oh man, this real weekend off stuff is amazing. i have an actual saturday off, and just woke up this morning to an entire sunday off as well!! magnificent! where do i sign up for one of these every week?

i am lounging on my lovely chaise lounge, drinking delicious coffee, with the air condition blasting and the sun pouring into my living room. man, i love this apartment and i love summer. now this feels like a sabbath to me. i think saturday night or sunday night are good times for church, but i desperately crave alone time on my sunday mornings. i should have my head in the Bible right now, but i really felt like writing instead. wish i could write something interesting, but i think it'll just be psycho babble today.

after my last blog entry, "worthless", i had a series of "coincidences" happen to me. don't you love it when you throw something out into the universe and God hears it and places people or things in your life that affirm that thought? happens to me all the time. really cool.

first of all, i had a pretty exhausting night of teaching right after i wrote that blog, and the feelings of used and weary crept in at about the 8th student of the night. i muscled through all 10 or 11 (lost track) and said all the things i would normally say with heart, except my heart was gone. then my wonderful bf called and told me to join him on the plaza with our beloved mutual friend david. i love having mutual friends. a real first. anyway, it was obvious to them when i showed up that i was a deflated balloon with hopeless written across my forehead. so david said to me, "it's time for you to spread your wings. and you know exactly what i mean." honestly, i looked at him and thought, "does he mean start the catering biz or start writing?" i had no idea that he meant to get out there again and start singing. he told me i should sing for his agent and i wouldn't mind, actually. his agent sounds awesome and perfect fit for me. but i couldn't help but take his advice in a different way than he meant. it's time for me to spread my wings. be the best person i can be. don't hold back. take risks. don't keep an idea under your wing and just hold it there like a scare little bird.

the negative thoughts, aka the devil, always start with this disclaimer: i'm constantly wondering if i'm trying to reinvent myself, or is it just silly me voicing my little creative ideas. i've always been this way, so it's kind of hard for me to take myself seriously.

and then my friend sharon reminds me of THE ARTIST'S WAY. this book can seriously set you straight if you're an artist. it's the artist's Bible, i dare say. it puts you on the straight and narrow path and helps you eliminate all the voices in your head that are keeping you from being your best, most creative self. the main tool it uses is the Morning Pages, which is something i've been doing more often this year than ever before. and it sounds like sharon has too.

okay, i've rambled enough. it's 11:00. time to be a real human. thanks, whoever you are out there, for listening to me and reading this. i don't know why the blog is so powerful, but i feel like telling someone out there my deepest desires and fears helps me move forward and do something about it all.

worthless

i am a worthless, useless sack of hair. i wake up, work out, practically with coffee in hand, then spend the rest of the day successfully sabotaging my productivity. cleaning the kitchen is a feat. i even put off showering till i absolutely have to. i want nothing to do with my trusty friend, the TO DO list.
if you are reading this and i have failed to call you back for days and days, or you're wondering if i'm finally getting to relax after this insane year, well, this is your answer.
we're having an amazing summer thunderstorm right now! i have all the lights off in my apartment, the air cranked up (wonderful) and i'm looking out the windows at the rain and the green trees. i have to teach in 45 minutes and i cannot even imagine getting up from this wonderful spot and doing anything for hours and hours and hours.
it's so hard to feign interest in anyone else for hours at a time. and that's what you do when you teach private voice. you give that person your undivided attention for 30 minutes, for money. you look for new ways to describe the same thing over and over again. you act like it's just technique that's keeping them from singing well, when we all know that it's what you're born with, paired with all the psychological bull that gets in the way. technique merely hones the natural ability.
that's probably not always true, but in most cases, it is. i love my students and i have really talented ones, but i just don't care about them today. i would give anything to not have to teach all summer. to have a 2 or 3 month break would make me such a better teacher the other 9 months out of the year. but it just doesn't work that way, unless i marry a millionaire. and they're terrible kissers.
so i hear.
the thing is ~ lately i have been really wanting to write more. and, simultaneously, i have run out of really profound, witty, interesting things to talk about on my blog. erff.
i want to do something special ~ say something wonderful. something. and i have all sorts of quasi-inventions that i would love to pursue.
there's my lunch business, the PIXYWAGON, that i started last year and will start back up again this fall. very exciting! then there's my PIXYCAKES and PIXYPIES, which i would rather do if i could create healthy ones. just a thought. and my latest ~ i'd love to have a catering business that has healthy, veggie-filled foods. i have all these tricks up my sleeve for making foods really decadent, but healthy too.
then there's the french restaurant gig idea, where i would sing french chansons, accompanied by an accordion.
i'd rather do anything than teach. if any of these pay as much an hour as teaching, then i will eliminate that many hours from my studio, and that would be a wonderful thing.
anyway, just brainstorming. it'll probably all just stay there, but i'd love to have the guts and brawn to make it go further.
hmmm...

Ruminating

I've been using that word a lot since my divorce. To "ruminate" means to ponder thoughtfully, or let thoughts spin around and around in your head. However, when I looked up the word on Wikipedia, it gave the real meaning: when an animal chews food, regurgitates it, and chews on the cud again.
Oh. Gross.
I had no idea I was using such a disgusting word to explain my feelings. But it really is a disgusting thing ~ to think about the same thing over and over again. Many times, I don't even know what I'm thinking because it's spinning by me so fast. But I know it's happening because I'm in a fog, and my ears even start ringing sometimes.
That's where I am this morning. My ears are ringing and I'm finding myself standing in the middle of the kitchen, gazing out the window, wondering why I came in there in the first place. Oh yeah, I remember. To put the screw driver in the refrigerator. Wait a minute ~ that doesn't go there.
If I can get my mind to settle down for a hot second, this will be a very relaxing week. There's lots to organize and accomplish, sure, but nothing terribly pressing. Teaching will be difficult, but will probably help my cud-chewing brain to calm down and focus in on one task.
What is spinning through my mind anyway? Wait, let me stop and listen for a sec.
Nope. Nothing.

I read somewhere that women should start investigating hormone therapy as early as their 30's. I'm 36 and I feel emotionally imbalanced in a new and scary way that I've never felt before. I feel depressed when I shouldn't, stressed all the time, both high energy and absolutely rock-bottom fatigued all at once. I know my crazy life makes some of this happen, but I'm really tired of it and want to feel normal again.
Is it too early to worry about pre-menopause? Not that I'm worried about it, but just want to look for a reason as to why I'm still in bed and it's 11:30 and I am dreading teaching more than a person should. I don't know. Maybe I just need some time off and that would make everything better. I do. I need time off. But if I can't afford to do that, how can I get through without this emotional toil?
It doesn't help that I had a very exhausting rehearsal last night that ended in tears for me.
I will gladly face emotional toil if there is a valid reason. But other than that awful rehearsal, I have NO reason. This year has been overwhelming and it is essentially over. So there's a certain adjustment that must take place in your system when everything is finished. Your body has a letdown. I get that. Is that all it is?
I want to cry but no tears will come. I want to shake it off and just get busy, but I'm glued to this bed.
The thing is: I'm hard on myself. I don't like feeling less than 100% because I want to be something. I want to make a difference. I want to be creative and want my creations to be make a difference in people's lives. The world premiere I was a part of in April made a difference. People in the audience left with a new opinion about contemporary music. They were refreshed by hearing something different and fun coming from a chamber orchestra that usually does mostly Mozart. The composer was changed because I put so much passion and effort and work into the performance of these amazing pieces. And I was changed forever by it as well.
I am starting my lunch biz back up again ~ the Pixywagon. Those women asked me to start it back up again because their hard-working days are a little easier and a little brighter, so they said, when they know they have healthy, yummy food for lunch. I am thrilled to help them with this and this is the kind of difference I'm interested in making. Small, but big.
So when I'm lying in bed all morning and too down to face just the silly laundry, I feel really small and lose all faith in myself, that I could ever be big enough to help someone out with my little creations.
There's a prayer in the Bible called the Prayer of Jabez. It's beautiful and I used to cling to it. How have I gotten so far away from that wisdom?
OH LORD, THAT YOU WOULD BLESS ME
AND ENLARGE MY TERRITORY
THAT YOUR HAND WOULD BE WITH ME
THAT I MAY NOT CAUSE PAIN.
Everything I care about, all in one prayer. I want to be blessed, so that I can be a blessing. I want to be as "big" as I possibly can be. And I want no one to be hurt by my words or actions.
That's it. And now I'm out of bed. Thank you God.

i'm a writing machine right now. so much useless information in my brain, so little time.
actually, i have so much more time now and i just want to use every minute, doing all the things i haven't gotten to do this whole year. wanna write, wanna practice, paint, cook, sleep, read, see friends.
my amazing friend toni came over for lunch and blessed me with her beautiful singing and playing of songs she had written. wow! i have no idea how to create songs from nothing ~ only know how to execute melodies that have already been designed for me. that is also a gift, i know, but composers really baffle me. so impressive.
anyway, now my head is in the clouds and i want to look out the window all day, sip tea and watch the rain.
summer is finally here and i couldn't be happier. i feel an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders, and voice. i will teach for 7 hours tonight and it will feel great because i know i can give my all and not be committing vocal suicide in the process. who cares? all i'm going to do tomorrow is teach some more. no biggie.
the next important thing to add as soon as possible is the working out thing. i was going to do it today, but i'll start tomorrow for sure. and it will feel so good to get back to it. just don't look at your body for 6 weeks, sarah. at the end of those 6 weeks, you'll feel great and look great too, and you'll be on your way to accomplishing your goal. but don't beat yourself up by looking at your body and being mad while you are doing something about it.
that's my motto.
i talk to myself a lot.
don't we all?

good morning

sunday morning.
no church job.
sipping coffee made by my italian bialetti, the original cappuccino maker that cooks on the stove. so delish.
i know i'm relaxed when i decide to listen to norah jones. i have a million things i want to accomplish this morning, but if nothing gets done, that'll be fine too. wanna take it slow and really enjoy the fact that the week is over, summer is almost here, and the space between me and time off has closed in with nothing its way. the pieces i have been arranging for a string trio are finished, and there is no music left to learn.
aaaahhhhh....
yesterday marked the one year anniversary of sarah tannehill, inexplicable asshole magnet, somehow meeting the nicest guy on the planet. he's also fun, funny, smart, caring...and gorgeous. and young! oh my goodness he's young. i hope i can keep up and hold onto this "peter pan ~ i won't grow up" thing that i've got going on.
anyway, i'm making brunch today, to celebrate. pancetta and cinnamon belgian waffles, and baked cheesy eggs. i add boursin cheese and parmesan cheese and they are so yummy.
cooking tip: if you add a tiny spoonful of boursin cheese to anything, people think you are a culinary genius. the little round of cheese is $6.99, but it lasts forever. i think you can even freeze it.
anyway, i digress.
i'm hoping all these months of hard work will result in a financially sound summer. combined with a tight budget and no clothes shopping, it should be okay.
such a hard year. so glad i made it through. a little pudgier, a few more gray hairs, but nothing that's not fixable!

stormy weather

it's that time of year ~ when one day, it is sunny and warm and absolutely beautiful outside. the next day, or hour even, it looks like the second coming and you're running for shelter.