april 28th ~ 44 degrees

it is so cold outside!  what is going on?  i mean, it's almost may!  

sometimes i feel like the weather parallels how i'm feeling inside.  my life could very easily feel like a cold doctor's waiting room right now, if i let it.  or a bus stop in chicago in february.  if i looked at it a certain way, i COULD feel like i'm waiting to buy a house, waiting till i have a garden and a yard to mow, waiting for my finances to get better, waiting for that special someone to come into my life, waiting to see if i'll be able to have children, or if i even want them!  waiting, waiting.

i could feel that way, but i don't.  things are happening right now in my life, that are so beautiful that i can't live in the future.  i can't even worry about the future!  the present is so much to bite off and chew that i have no time to think about it.  that's a true gift from heaven.

here's an example:  

yesterday, the kc chorale and the phoenix bach chorale sang a joint concert. it was the most beautiful singing we have ever done.  hands down, the most beautiful concert i have ever heard in my life.  composer jean belmont said the same thing, so i know i'm not just tooting my own choir's horn!

we sang vaughn williams' "serenade to music", which has a bunch of little solos, which was such a great opportunity to hear some of the amazing singers in the group.  wow!  after the big piece, charles acknowledged every soloist (about 15 of us) and we bowed from our spot.  it was so cool to hear each of them give from their hearts for just a few measures, then bow humbly at the end.  what i saw:  each singer with a story, a vocation, a reason why they sing with such passion.  they are teachers, engineers, mormons, women with children, women who can't have children, men who are divorced, women who have had their hearts broken, you name it.  and every person's story lended itself to the voice they have.  i'll never forget the way my voice sounded right after eric left me and my 2nd miscarriage just days before that.  i didn't sing a note until a few weeks after i moved to kc.  i barely recognized my own voice when i finally braved the practice room.  it was heavy, womanly, strung-out.  bigger and rounder.  but not me.  i kept some of that sound as i healed, because we all keep the scars for a reason.  we want to keep the scars.  who wants to totally forget?  we're lying to ourselves if we say we want to.  i want to forgive completely, but i don't want to forget.  i'm too proud of God and myself for getting through it to forget it!

anyway, i have days like that, like yesterday, and am reminded of my new motto in life:  to enjoy putting my heart into everything i do.  this is something i haven't done in the past.  i usually give my heart to a man and am rendered helpless, powerless, heartless, with no energy for anything else in my life.  and still had success doing that!  crazy!  now i am putting my heart into teaching and singing and cooking and living and working out and loving my friends and family and wow ~ the list could go on for days.  i love everything in my life so much and i've never enjoyed it because i allowed my heart to be tied up.  i feel so full and so free. 

thanks for reading my story...

here we go again

okay, so once again i find myself depressed.  argh!  will this ever end?  i thought i would grow out of this some day.  i hate feeling this way.  it's worse than being sick, but to top it all off, i'm sick too!  i'm, in general, a very happy person.  so when life delivers this sick, twisted bag of emotions that i truly cannot handle, i feel like my real personality has been eaten by another one in a much uglier outfit.

so here's the deal.  i tried to break into a church to pray today.  desperate to find Jesus in the middle of my pain.  i think he's lost my e-mail address or something.  i wonder if i've disappointed him?  anyway, all church doors are locked.  did you know that?  no one can meander in a say a few hail mary's on their lunch hour, because i guess they might steal the Bibles or the hymnals that are no longer there because everything is displayed up on a huge jumbo-tron with a peaceful waterfall wallpaper behind it.  i was sad because i really did feel like i could have found a moment of solitude in there.  

well, i have to say that i am OVER feeling like this.  i mean, not just over it with this particular disappointment.  over feeling like this for the REST OF MY LIFE.  i'm angry that i even ever have to feel this blue.  and it's not unconditional.  some things in my life are not going the way i want them to.  i've had the same love/hate relationship with relationships since i was 14 years old, and i'm fresh out of ideas on how to deal with the only real thorn i've ever had in my side in my whole entire life.  singing some of the hardest music ever written?  no problem!  i even sightread a whole opera from the pit.  whatever.  have my own voice studio?  30 students, like that.  cooking, baking, sewing, speaking languages, living in foreign countries.  i've done it all with very little anxiety.  i'm not bragging.  i'm confused.  why is all of this so easy for me, and the simple act of two people coming together, loving each other, and staying together forever?  something we all seem to be entitled to deserve if we want it?  total failure.

but i digress.  i don't even care what the answer is.  i just want to learn how to deal with the thorn still stuck firmly into my side and not feel like i'm going to bleed to death.  

so here's my plan this time:

it's so obvious.  you'll say, "duh, sarah, everyone knows to do that." 

i'm going to fill my every waking moment with plans.  no sitting around.  sure, i'm tired.  this depression is weighing on me like a 9-month pregnancy.  but no matter how horrible i feel, i'm going to get up and out of bed every morning, go to the gym, plan a schedule of work, play, busy, busy, until i drop into the bed at night and can barely even stay awake enough to reflect.  no more reflecting.  i'm tired of feeling like this.  i'm missing out on my life.  each day that i feel this way is another day wasted.  

so there it is.  since i've written it, especially where other people can see it, i have to do it now.