that rain i blogged about in my last entry turned into a full-blown snow storm that i got caught in going up to my college teaching job. erff. i really enjoyed that rain sitting on my couch, and then i get in my car and it quickly changed to snow and ice.

oh well, i survived.

and i will survive today as well. i slept so little last night, up worrying about the wedding, the taxes, everything. and today it's foggy and grey out, and i'm feeling like a zombie on wheels. concert at 3:00 up north, then a long rehearsal after. not done till 9:30 tonight. if i had the day off, i would be in bed with a chick flick, worthless the entire day. but isn't that what weekends are for? no, instead, weekends are for rehearsing and performing. i need a break.

the only break i can think to take is the one on myself. i'm taking a break from being interesting, energetic, good at anything, superwoman, and stressed.

oh, i'm blue. the diet has been on hold, along with the desire to take the world by storm.

there's always tomorrow...

it's raining. aaaah. my favorite thing about spring. am i weird? i've always loved the rain. there's no thunder with this one, but i love how intensely it's pouring down ~ gushing through the gutters on the side of the building.

i have loved this apartment. so beautiful and homey. i won't be sad to leave it because the loft we are moving into is AWESOME. and everything that goes with it: being married to a great guy, sharing our incomes (a close second in my book of joys), a fantastic new neighborhood where you can walk to some great things, no teaching in the home (YAY!) and evenings free!!! that's a lot of changing ~ a lot to be thankful for.

the ringing in my ear is gone completely today. thank the lord. another thing to be thankful for. i think rain makes me thankful. if it rains on my wedding day, i will okay with that.

i have to leave for work in one hour and i have nothing done. blogging probably not smart option.

the ringing is going away! i have told several of my friends that i honestly think this was God's little alarm in my ear, telling me to slow down. i have slowed down and have stopped stressing and running around like a crazy person. i have forced myself to become "boring" in all social settings, where i would normally pick up the slack for people less jovial and socially over-the-top. i.e. voice lessons. awkward young teenagers produce an uncomfortable dynamic, that is, unless you perform a 30-minute circus act during their lessons. i'm not doing that anymore. i've even had people ask if i was okay. why? because i'm not blowing personality bubbles around you all the time?

am i making any sense? probably not, but i understand me, so i guess that's all i can do.

every time i get worked up and work too long, or sleep to little, hello little morse code mouse in my ear! when i calm down and rest, it subsides. this could be high blood pressure. but i've always had very low blood pressure, and i've had it checked recently. it could also be some neck problems, which i am going to see a chiropractor to figure out.

but in the end, a terrible possible life-sentence (tinnitus) has turned into a wonderful internal gauge, to make sure i am not pushing myself to the brink of stress every day. and i was. oh boy, was i. time to get off that train.

i have decided to make friends with the little mouse nibbling on my left eardrum. the doctor says my hearing is great in both ears, so no danger of losing any hearing. just danger of going crazy. so the doc says to lower my stress, breathe deeply, and forget about the ringing, and it'll go away.

so today i'm acknowledging the ringing as a not-so-quiet or gentle reminder to relax, take things slow, enjoy the moment, worry about absolutely nothing, and work to reduce my schedule, which is out of control. i will demise a plan that makes my life easier, even if it means making less money. the money will come. the credit card will get paid off. the wedding will still happen. all will be well.

that's what the mouse is telling me.

too bad he's telling it all to me on a G#, when i hear all my pitches from A.

i am in absolute agony. my left ear has been ringing for a solid week now, driving me to insanity and making me worry to the point of irritability. i have yelled at my fiance, thrown things across the room, left my apartment in squalor all week, and have prayed for deafness, as long as the ringing would stop.

of course, i don't mean that. i mean, i don't think i mean that. the noise is excruciating ~ like a little mouse delivering a message in morse code. the message? "help, i'm a mouse and i'm trapped in a crazy singer's ear. let me out. she sings these freakishly high notes all the time and wonders why her ears have started ringing. is she stupid?"

anyway, trying to find humor in this situation is pointless. and now, today, after all the snow days and missed lessons and financial worries, i have to cancel yet another day of teaching. more money lost. more makeups to be squeezed into an already-packed schedule. i can't handle any of this anymore. i love my life, but i'm going to die at 40 if i can't take control of things soon.

seeing an ENT today, thank the Lord above. please, if you pray, pray for me! pray that this is an ear infection or a pinched nerve or i don't know. just NOT tinnitus. please. i cannot hear this sound for the rest of my life. i know others survive and get along with it, but i don't want to be one of them.

my mother sent me this passage from a devotional she reads every morning:

"Give yourself fully to the adventure of today. Walk boldly along the path of life, relying on your ever present Companion. You have every reason to be confident, because My Presence accompanies you all the days of your life-- and onward into eternity.. Do not give into fear or worry; those robbers of abundant living.. Trust me enough to face problems as they come, rather than trying to anticipate them. Fix your eyes on Me, the Author and Perfector of your faith, and many difficulties on the road ahead will vanish before you reach them. Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am holding you by your right hand. Nothing can separate you from My Presence."

thanks mom. brilliant writing and beautiful reminder. and if this whole thing is happening to get me on my knees a little more every day, then i'm in.

UPDATE

over the weekend, i tried three new recipes in the cookbook. here's what i learned...

page 39, POLENTA PIZZAS
deeeelish!! polenta, made with veggie stock, dried oregano and basil and salt and pepper. that's all. and formed into a tart pan, then plopped out onto a cookie sheet. done! very crunchy and yummy, with no flour!!!

i don't know how good-for-you polenta is, since it's basically corn meal. but if it's in this clean eating cookbook, i know it's better than real pizza crust.

i didn't like the toppings i put on the pizza. too weird. next time, i'll do more typical ingredients, like pizza sauce and mushrooms.

the polenta pizza crust was the only hit, actually.

page 158, COCOA BROWNIES

YUCK! in all fairness to the book, i ran out of maple syrup and used molasses. way too rich and left a bitter taste. i liked some of the substitutes she used, like dates and applesauce. very gooey texture. i'll try to combine her ideas with more normal substances like eggs.

or maybe i should just try the brownies again, with a little brown sugar and maple syrup. no molasses.

the last recipe i tried was not in the book. i invented a buffalo chicken casserole. i put too many strange things in it, like asparagus. which i love, but not in a buffalo chicken casserole.

i think i will try the brownies again tonight, while i'm still reeling from how bad the first batch was.

LOVELY SATURDAY

Today was supposed to be a makeup day for all the students who have missed lessons due to weather, illness, and stupidity. One, I repeat, one student, out of six, remembered and showed up. One. Well, the good news is I have had the greatest Saturday. My idea of a perfect Saturday is plenty of time at home, cleaning, doing laundry, listening to beautiful and fun music (today's choice is brazilian), planning a yummy dinner for that evening, preferably simmering in a crock pot all day, and doing all of this in sweats and slippers. I have done all of that, including teaching my one student, and I even started reading my new book I bought yesterday on a whim. YEE HAW!

So, to recap, RECIPE #3, the chick pea and pea shoot salad, was delicious. Not to brag, but I think I make better salads than this. The dressing didn't have as much flavor as I thought it would have. Sam loved the salad, and I liked it a lot. Some tweaking and I think I'll make this salad a lot in the future.

Tonight's dinner ~ RECIPE #5: NEW YEAR'S SOUP, page 132. Black-eyed peas, collard greens, parsnips, carrots, etc. Looks very yummy. Dying to try it.

Tomorrow night, I am going to a super bowl party. I am trying two new inventions on the poor suckers: the totally healthy spinach artichoke dip I created and absolutely love, and a buffalo wing dip that is also totally healthy, served with celery. Both are packed with beans, which get really creamy when you break them down in a food processor, instead of cream cheese or even worse, mayo. Blech. I'm tempted to not tell anyone how healthy they are and just see what they think first...

last night, i took the leftover roasted cauliflower soup and mixed it with white cheese, some homemade whole wheat spaetzle, and ham from Christmas, and baked it. YUMM. it was so good.

maybe i should talk about something other than food for a few days. it's easy to dive into food and avoid all other emotions. time to close up the kitchen, since i can't keep up with the dirty pots and pans. yes, today will be leftover day. it's sunny and beautiful out there, after a huge snow storm that annihilated all motivation to be productive.

RECIPE #3

PAGE 43: CHICKPEA, AVOCADO AND PEA SHOOT SALAD with ORANGE DILL DRESSING

we are in the throes of a horrible winter storm, ice, snow, blizzard conditions, you name it. we're talking possibly two snow days. so it's perfect timing to make something springy! i know days like this should inspire any normal person to make chili or vegetable soup. but i need spring on my plate.

this recipe fits the bill. it's beautiful! the picture alone warms my heart. i'm going to use mache instead of pea shoots. i think mache is also called lamb's ears. it's an adorable, soft, small lettuce that i had all the time in germany.

other ingredients in this salad that are making my mouth water: radishes. mmm. but they had me at avocado. and the dressing is olive oil, balsamic vinegar, zest and juice from an orange, lime juice and fresh dill. amazing!

sunday, i made an herb drizzle that i highly recommend to everyone who buys herbs, only to find them rotting in the crisper four days later. here's the recipe i created...

take all of your fresh herbs (i had dill, cilantro and basil) and throw them into the blender with one clove of garlic, a super light olive oil, and S&P. blend it and throw it into a little tupperware bowl. just scrape out what you need. it comes out pretty easily with a sharp knife. or you can put it in ice cube trays, but i was too lazy to do that.

so today, when i make my dressing, i'll just use the frozen herb drizzle!

is it time for lunch yet?

RECIPE #4: Just made the BASIC VEGETABLE STOCK on page 14. I had some soft but not bad celery, some ends of red onion, one carrot, a little garlic, and added the some of the herb drizzle and the stems of my basil plant. also, the water leftover from defrosted some frozen spinach. we'll see how it turns out, but it's really nice to use the leftovers of veggies almost gone bad...