I'm alive!!!! The swine flu did NOT take my life. I'm exhausted from all the makeups and music learning that is being crammed into every moment this week, since I missed the better part of two weeks. But I am so happy that I am well enough to actually do these things. Thank you, God!

Juries are Saturday at William Jewell, my high school students all have auditions and they all rely on me for support and advice. I also have a huge performance next Tuesday, for which the rigorous rehearsals will start tomorrow!!! Aagh!! Tomorrow? Oh my gosh, that just hit me. Anyway, I am so thankful to be out of bed and have some kind of vocal ability, even if it still sounds a little sexier and huskier than my normal whiny, high speaking voice!!!

In my last blog, I admitted my angst over not taking my "art" seriously. How many years have I been a musician (the answer is 31!!), and how many of those years have I had a dysfunctional relationship with it? Telling myself that it isn't a real life or a real job, or whatever. I don't blame anyone, per se. I just know where that attitude came from and it's simply not an option for me. The bottom line is: I couldn't hide from singing if I tried. Sure, there could be a job with benefits in my future. But for now, what I am doing is pretty great, and I am sinking into it and really loving it whole-heartedly.

And then my lovely friend Linz commented in a way only a true friend can, really empathizing and just getting it. And then summed it all up in words that only Rilke could write. If you haven't read "Letters to a Young Poet", you must immediately go out and get this little artist's Bible.

"Therefore, my dear friend, I know of no other advice than this: Go within and scale the depth of your being from which your very life springs forth. At its source you will find the answer to the question, whether you must write [sing]. Accept it, however it sounds to you, without analyzing. [without analyzing!!!] Perhaps it will become apparent to you that you are indeed called to be a writer [singer]. Then accept that fate, bear its burden, and its grandeur, without asking for the reward, which might possibly come from without."

And then, she wrote:

And I add to that: Live life fully alive in each moment. Less analyzing and more of just soaking up every moment for what it is. Of course you will still think and analyze things- that's what we do, but our thoughts and demands and expectations shouldn't rob us of being fully alive and present in every moment of every day. Get rid of things that distract you and do the best you can to live as freely as possible. Run light! Cast off care as much as possible, grab hold of the true freedom that has already been given to us--- "the glory of God is man fully alive."

Spot on, and so eloquently put! Without analyzing! Without asking for the reward! I don't even want to write anything after reading such inspiring prose. Rilke makes me feel like being an artist is such a noble profession, when I usually feel like the crazy spinster in Apartment 214, with the weird vocalizing sounds coming from her apartment. I wouldn't feel that way, of course, if I was living in a tiny flat in Paris, with a view of the Eiffel Tower. Ha! But come on, people, I live in the land of McMansions and Coach purses! I feel like the stepsister hidden in the attic. Everyone has money and blond highlights and shares in Starbucks. I am definitely odd here. But haven't I been odd everywhere? :)

Anyway, just reading those quotes replenishes my sense of purpose. My purpose in life is not to answer all my e-mails on time, nor is it to necessarily have tons of money. I'd love that house, but not right now. I'm right here in this little space, that looks like a practice room with a kitchen, for a reason!!!

Speaking of which, time to practice! Sorry neighbors!

sick...

...and so many things i'm sick OF! sick of being sick and puny and boring. sick of lung congestion. sick of missing lessons and teaching really bad ones. sick of my apartment. sick of my out-of-shape body and bushy eyebrows that need waxing. sick of being a boring girlfriend. but sick mostly of just not being able to grasp onto life and really sink my teeth into it! i feel like i'm always balancing on the fence, afraid to jump off and really enjoy one side or the other.

i love that i'm a person who practically worships balance, but sometimes i become imbalanced by trying to be so balanced! i have complained about this before. for an artist, i sho is aware of the time. and how much money i have in the bank, and what million other chores i can choose instead of practicing or being innovative with my talent. (even while blogging, i'm thinking about all those dishes in the sink. who cares!)

i have to let go and just be. is that even possible for me?

there are some things about me as a person that i have been trying to change for so long, to no avail. when i get sick, i get even more frustrated and remorseful about them because i realize how much i have taken those things for granted. the main problem i have with myself is that i have a really hard time diving into my "work". i have a hard time taking myself seriously. there's always this thought that this is not a real job and i'm wasting my time. i have a hard time practicing every day and just going for the gold. really pushing myself and not worrying about the laundry and the cleaning and making a pot of soup and working out. there's time for all of that AND practicing, with my amazing schedule. i really want to set aside time to practice every day. i need that and i deserve to be the best singer i can possibly be.

i'm sickened by the way i treat my gift. i schlepp pieces together and perform them with the bare minimum amount of work on them. i feel like if i had a house, i could practice all the time and not worry about bothering anybody. but i can tell that no one is home in my entire apartment building. i wouldn't be disturbing anyone if i practiced now. if i had a voice today, that is. right now i have nothing, which makes me feel so guilty for all the times i COULD have been practicing when i had a perfectly good instrument. and now i'm sitting around, wishing i was more prepared for these concerts i have coming up.

even though i'm getting all kinds of great singing opportunities, i feel like there's more out there for me. and if i "build it, they will come". i need to build my voice, my discipline, my ability, my positivity toward my voice. i need to believe in my voice and i think more will come.

i am so upset. why is money ruling my life? i spend so much time plotting and saving and spending and budgeting and worrying and wishing and hoping. and at the end of that 1960's song, i always end up with the same amount of money ~ $0. i must be terrible with money. i mean, i feel like a frugal, savvy person with a good head on her shoulders. i have a gorgeous budget planned out that looks great on paper. i have a pretty good sense of balance too. i buy a few new items every season to get me by, and then i wear the same black pieces for years, even when they don't really fit anymore. i wear the same 3 or 4 pairs of shoes all the time. i have downsized all i can downsize. i'm teaching all the students i can stand. i'm gigging my butt off, although, i have an idea for another steady gig, and one that might be slightly lucrative. we'll see. but i feel like i could gig and teach till the cows come home, and until i have a steady income with benefits, i'm going to get nowhere. i definitely see that in my future, which is exciting. i think i won't always be in this predicament and i need to try and relax and just pay my bills and keep living the way i'm living, gradually spending less and less.

i'm so thankful for my target credit card. when i moved in august, i really needed it. i would not have survived if hadn't been able to use that credit card. but now i have this outstanding balance that will not go away. oh my gosh, it's a festering pimple that seems to just get bigger and bigger. it makes me so mad, i want to scream. it's going in my lockbox at home and not coming back out until i'm in dire straits again. which will be NEVER AGAIN!!!!

this is embarrassing, venting bout something that does not matter. money isn't real. it's not worth anything. when i hear my little niece's giggle or see my sister's pregnant belly or see my parents sitting out there in the audience when i'm singing, when i have a breakthrough with a student, or make a meal for my boyfriend and he tells me "i never knew it could be like this", when i hear poulenc or see the sunset, i know money isn't real. it's just a real pain in the ass.