cloudy

hello ladies,
since i've started this blog, i have shared many passages i've read, many realizations i've had, and those rare "a ha" moments of peace and joy that shine through the clouds every once in a while. but i don't think i've ever written anything while i'm in complete darkness. i'm wondering if anyone out there is feeling it as well and would like to know that someone else in the world is STRRRRUGGGGLING?
what an awful word. i'd like to never say it, or feel it again. so i was just journaling and thought i'd expose myself to you, because every day is not going to be a good day, no matter how many prayers you read or self-help books you pick up.

here it is...
even though i'm about to jump out of my skin today, it's not half as bad as the angst i was feeling yesterday. and i know why i'm wacky today ~ i'm bored and lonely. have stuff to do but don't feel like doing it. then i kick myself for not getting stuff done. it's just stupid emotions. even though i get out of whack when i'm too busy, i think i'd rather be busy right now than to have long days off like this one and yesterday. i start to worry about my finances, my future, my weight, you name it. and by this time of the day, i'm almost frozen with worry. it's from not having anything at all to do, when i was so busy just a few days ago. never easy, but really not when you're dealing with emotional stuff.
i have lots coming up, so i know these two days are the only days for a long while that i will deal with this. which is good. i'm afraid to say this outloud, but i've made a decision to get up in the morning tomorrow and start a new life. a new life of every single day choosing the right priorities. the healthy choices. i'm crying as i write this because i hate those empty promises. i want this so badly and don't know how to be the person i want to be. i keep praying for God to help and that's all i can do. but every day i choose differently. i feel stuck.
i know i have to give myself a chance. this year is supposed to be hard. but with each passing day that i struggle, i hate eric that much more. i'm so happy that he let me go and my heart let him go. but i hate him for leaving me so confused. i know i will emerge from this year the person i want to be. i have to! i leave myself no other choice.

does anyone relate to any of these feelings? do i sound like i'm having a pity party? cause i think it sounds like i'm whining and thinking too much and not just doing it. just do it. just do it!
there's no convenient way or trick. just do it.....make the choice to do it and the feeling good part will come later, right?

maya angelou

Maya Angelou said this:"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today,life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.""I've learned that you can tell a lot about a personby the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage,and tangled Christmas tree lights.""I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.""I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making alife'.""I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.""I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitton both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.""I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.""I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.""I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.People love a warm hug,or just a friendly pat on the back.""I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.""I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forgetwhat you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

me time? or knee time?

happy monday, bloggers!!! is anybody out there? i have so many long-distance girlfriends. i never know exactly what's going on in their lives. hope all you wonderful women are doing well!
i don't know if it's just because the weather is getting better, but i feel like i'm emerging from a deep dark hole i've been in for months. it's sunny out there this morning and i have an easy week ~ those are two words i have not put together in months as well!
so here's what i'm pondering this morning: how do we find the balance between stressing out and pushing ourselves too hard, and working hard for our future goals while being happy and content with where we are right now?
what are your goals for the future? my biggest goal is to build a singing career for myself that truly honors the gift God gave me. it's so hard to trust that what i'm doing right now is enough, and that if God wants me to have a career, i will. it's about God wanting me to sing, not joe director, who snubs me because i don't look and sound like renee fleming. no matter how it looks, the marionette strings are not really being pulled by the corrupt people in the opera biz. it's really God pulling those strings.
i read last night in my new joyce book, "woman to woman; candid conversations from me to you" (i'm obsessed, aren't i?)...this is what she wrote...
I AM GOING TO SHARE WITH YOU FOUR THINGS THAT I THINK LEAD TO FEELINGS OF DISCONTENTMENT, ESPECIALLY AMONG WOMEN.
1. GREED...
2. FEAR...
3. LACK OF TRUST IN GOD (3 and 4 are the ones i care about the most this morning)
SIMPLE TRUST IN GOD BRINGS US INTO A PLACE OF REST. (rest???? rest???? just saying the word makes me cry!!!) ROMANS 15:13 SAYS, "MAY THE GOD OF YOUR HOPE SO FILL YOU WITH ALL JOY AND PEACE IN BELIEVING THAT BY THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT YOU MAY ABOUND AND BE OVERFLOWING WITH HOPE." JOY AND PEACE ARE FOUND IN BELIEVING.
4. LOOKING FOR CONTENTMENT IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES!!!!! THE PROPHET JEREMIAH REFERS TO LOOKING FOR SATISFACTION IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES AS DIGGING EMPTY WELLS THAT HAVE NO WATER IN THEM. THE ANSWER TO MY CONSTANT FRUSTRATION CAME WHEN I RECEIVED THE REVELATION THAT MY SATISFACTION HAD TO BE IN CHRIST JESUS. I CAME TO KNOW WHAT A PRIVILEGE IT WAS TO LIVE UNDER HIS GUIDANCE, TRUSTING THAT HE WOULD NEVER FAIL ME, NOT FORSAKE ME.

so, i'm gathering from all of this that spending more time with God and focusing on Him is the only way to reduce stress, feel contentment, and enjoy actual rest. it seems like i'm always complaining about not having enough ME time. time to get my house in order, time to clear my mind and prepare myself for the day. but maybe all this time, i needed more KNEE time. time on my knees, getting closer to God. i thought success would come if i had all my ducks in a row. and that does help. but if i fill my whole day with getting my to-do list accomplished, there will still be another list tomorrow, and i'm starting to see that this is not going to bring me the contentment and success that i thought it would.

of course, this makes me want to cut up my long to-do list and do nothing all morning but read the Bible and pontificate! that's not it either! there has to be a balance and some day, i'm gonna figure it out!