haven't been on here in a long time. there's just so much going on and i feel drained from any thoughtfulness, which, to me, is a sin. one shouldn't push herself so hard that she becomes vapid and void of thought. that's me, alright.

tonight, i had a mild nervous breakdown. i hate it when people use that term loosely, but i use it in all honesty. on the richter scale? i guess just a 2. but i don't ever want to feel like this again.

the question going round and round in my mind is: do i throw it all out and start over? or do i merely eliminate the parts that push me too far? i have many friends chiding me for never being able to say no. honestly, i do say no. but i want to be a singer and need to take all the gigs that make being a singer financially possible for me. if i could JUST sing, my schedule would still be stressful. add on everything else, and you've got a full-blown panic attack waiting to happen. i'm not a good friend anymore. i can't be counted on. my poor fiance probably thinks i've lost my mind.

I HAVE!!!

i don't know how to turn things around. everyone else has such stoic answers. it's easy for them to flippantly give blockbuster movie catch phrases and tell me to tell them where to go. but this is a lot harder than that. z-snap remarks are not the answer.

tomorrow is november 1st and i am so looking forward to the holidays. i want to spend at least some of them in my apartment, baking cookies, cooking big fat turkeys, knitting, sewing and watching movies with sam. i want everyone to just be quiet and let me think and feel and breathe and move and just be.

god i miss my dad.

lots to confess this morning. forgive me blog, for i have sinned. it has been many, many days since my last blog.

first of all, i feel like i have been committing the worst sin in my book: not-getting-anything-doneness. i know, i know. all work and no play makes jack a dull bunny. but seriously people. i am the last person who needs to be reminded of that. when it comes to doing the things i HAVE to do, i'm an absolute child. it's not like i don't get them done, but i have to turn them into a want-to, or i'll fight the task for days. my ex-husband told me one time that i have to make everything into a scene from a movie. by the way ~ what was the movie around the time he told me that? a horror flick? regardless of the messenger, the message was right.

but is that such a terrible thing? fashioning your life into pretty scenes, even when there's nothing pretty about them? is my life pretty because i make it pretty? i like a nice, neat work space. i like a clean kitchen. i like my closet to look like a palate of paints. i like to be surrounded by beautiful things. that feels like sanity to me. that feels like balance, of which i have very little right now.

pardon me while i digress: i have a little chalkboard/clipboard hanging in front of my desk. i wrote down all the music i have to learn in these next few weeks and it brings me such courage to see that list. i know i'm up for it and i'm ready to tackle it because this list was scribbled with chalk and makes me think of a spelling quiz in 2nd grade, or something easy like that. but now, i just lit a lavender candle in front of it, which illuminated the board and the desk, and it just became a beautiful and inviting work space. i feel anxious to start practicing now and working on this beautiful art that is in my life.

do you think i'm crazy? i don't really care if i'm crazy. if that little, cheap candle motivates me to learn some of the hardest music anyone has ever sung, i'm okay with crazy. frankly, you'd be crazy too if you had all that music to conquer, in so little time, knowing that you will get paid so much less than lady gaga's back-up dancer's costume maker's coffee girl.