the most important thing i have learned is that you have to choose to be happy. you have to work hard for it, demand it. not demand to have a silly smile on your face all day or detach from reality, but deep inside, even when you're crying, even when you're disappointed, to know that there are so, so many things about your life that you can appreciate and enjoy, even while you're grieving.
i've also learned that if you think you're being punished for not having something you want desperately, well then everybody is being punished, because everyone wants something they don't have. i wish i was married. i'm a good partner and have a lot of love to give. i have friends who wish they weren't married. one friend wants a baby so badly. one friend wants her career to take off so badly. everyone wants something. and just because i feel like all these wonderful friends deserve what they desire, and i deserve a husband, God has other plans for us. and you know what, whether or not we want to abide by His plan, it's going to go His way anyway, so we might as well jump on board! no matter how much i try to intellectualize why i'm in the situation i'm in, it doesn't matter. i'm in it anyway. it's supposed to be this way because it IS!
i was reading this morning that if you wish you were thinner or prettier or married or more successful, that's really a form of jealousy. you wish you were something that other people are, in your eyes. when i think of it that way, it makes me sick to wish those things. i HATE jealousy. i loathe it. i do not allow it to be a part of my personality. i will not let it in for a minute. so if my behavior is akin to jealousy, i'm changing. right now. today.
so here it is ~ instead of wanting love, i already have it. i love my life. i love myself. i love my students! i love teaching and cooking and i love my apartment. i love singing and i love my family. i love my basil plant. i love baseball season (for the ballpark brats, of course). i love working out (i'm going to keep telling myself that until it's true!). i love kansas city. i love being a Christian.
now that's a lot of love to give, and i can think of a million more things to list.
instead of wanting to be thinner, firmer, more like i looked 10 years ago, i am thankful that i'm 10 years smarter, 10 years sassier, 10 years riper, 10 years more into this life thing, 10 years closer to just getting it! and who am i to complain about this anyway? i mean, i look like i'm 20. just shut up and go to the gym, right?
on that note, OFF TO THE GYM!
:)
