the road to peace and success is paved with...
NO.
i have been on my 40-day NO streak and i am feeling incredible. it's amazing that the biggest NO i have chosen is simply to say NO to stressing out. NO to getting worked up about stuff, when i look all around me and everyone believes in me so much. no one even gives me the chance to even act worried about things because no one thinks i'll ever fail. and whether do or don't fail, it doesn't matter. most of the people in my life, save a few nay-sayers i can't seem to get rid of, i can do no wrong.
so if i'm so lucky to be surrounded by these sweet and wonderful people, then i need to enjoy that and appreciate that and live it up! to have a support system like this is such a gift. to not use it for the benefit of having peace is such a waste.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
i am on an interesting journey that is really teaching me a lot about being a real human being.
my friend toni put me on a "no" diet. or would it be a "yes" diet? 40 days of saying no to things that make me crazy. at first, it was career-focused. no to gigs that don't pay very well. no to gigs that hurt my voice. no to the stress of performances.
it quickly turned into SO MUCH MORE. i started taking my life back. i can't believe what a pushover i've been all these years. this has led me to reconfiguring my voice studio, working out so much more, and being able to say yes to the people who deserve that word.
little "no's" that you wouldn't think would matter:
NO to being overly nice to people who are never nice.
NO to trying on 10 outfits before i step out of the door. in conjunction with that, NO to looking in a full-length mirror. i feel great about myself until i check it out. so why am i checking it out?
NO to being inconvenienced by ill-prepared students. i worked hard in undergrad. i don't need to work hard for you.
NO to my students not being able to read music.
NO to "friends" who drain me.
NO to dread.
NO to the 2nd glass of wine. i can't afford it, and my big butt doesn't need it.
NO to teaching 20 million students.
NO to acting peppy perky, when i really feel anything but. i can't believe how much more energy i have!
NO to facebook. wonderful.
NO to TV (said that a long time ago and it is true bliss).
NO to anything that gets in the way of being my best self for the following wonderful people: sam, my family, my amazing friends, my long-distance friends, and especially my friends in need.
NO to leaving my couch right now? well, i guess i do have to say yes to work.
my friend toni put me on a "no" diet. or would it be a "yes" diet? 40 days of saying no to things that make me crazy. at first, it was career-focused. no to gigs that don't pay very well. no to gigs that hurt my voice. no to the stress of performances.
it quickly turned into SO MUCH MORE. i started taking my life back. i can't believe what a pushover i've been all these years. this has led me to reconfiguring my voice studio, working out so much more, and being able to say yes to the people who deserve that word.
little "no's" that you wouldn't think would matter:
NO to being overly nice to people who are never nice.
NO to trying on 10 outfits before i step out of the door. in conjunction with that, NO to looking in a full-length mirror. i feel great about myself until i check it out. so why am i checking it out?
NO to being inconvenienced by ill-prepared students. i worked hard in undergrad. i don't need to work hard for you.
NO to my students not being able to read music.
NO to "friends" who drain me.
NO to dread.
NO to the 2nd glass of wine. i can't afford it, and my big butt doesn't need it.
NO to teaching 20 million students.
NO to acting peppy perky, when i really feel anything but. i can't believe how much more energy i have!
NO to facebook. wonderful.
NO to TV (said that a long time ago and it is true bliss).
NO to anything that gets in the way of being my best self for the following wonderful people: sam, my family, my amazing friends, my long-distance friends, and especially my friends in need.
NO to leaving my couch right now? well, i guess i do have to say yes to work.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
wednesday
guess i'm just gonna write on this ole blog every day this week.
it feels so good to get my feelings out, and be quiet at the same time.
yesterday was, by far, my worst day of teaching ever. i fought to keep positive with every single student. at times, i had to push back the tears, and other times, i had to stuff my balled-up fists in my pockets to keep from punching someone. or just punching myself. i'm sure i was overreacting. but excuse me ~ just exactly who do these students think they are? who do they think i am, that they can waste my time and act like fools in front of me? each one of them (with the exception of one) came in acting like they were completely uninformed as to what they should be doing in the class. a class that is literally the simplest class they will ever take in their entire lives.
let me spell it out for you in plain letters:
show up to your lesson every week, clothed. (a student came to her lesson in her pj's yesterday. with house shoes. now i went to theory in my jammies, but they were adorable flannel jammies my mother had made for me. different story. and i changed before a voice lesson.)
learn one song ~ translate and memorize it.
sing for one area voice class.
sing for the jury.
have you ever heard of a class that simple? one song. ONE SONG.
i want to quit. i do not want to teach stupid people anymore. i will GLADLY teach children and adults of all ages, if they are awake, have half a brain, and are respectful of me and my time. i don't want to hear their sob stories ANY MORE. i don't want to copy any more music, i don't want to record any more songs. if they want to sing well, they need to work for it on their own. I ALREADY DID!!!!
it feels so good to get my feelings out, and be quiet at the same time.
yesterday was, by far, my worst day of teaching ever. i fought to keep positive with every single student. at times, i had to push back the tears, and other times, i had to stuff my balled-up fists in my pockets to keep from punching someone. or just punching myself. i'm sure i was overreacting. but excuse me ~ just exactly who do these students think they are? who do they think i am, that they can waste my time and act like fools in front of me? each one of them (with the exception of one) came in acting like they were completely uninformed as to what they should be doing in the class. a class that is literally the simplest class they will ever take in their entire lives.
let me spell it out for you in plain letters:
show up to your lesson every week, clothed. (a student came to her lesson in her pj's yesterday. with house shoes. now i went to theory in my jammies, but they were adorable flannel jammies my mother had made for me. different story. and i changed before a voice lesson.)
learn one song ~ translate and memorize it.
sing for one area voice class.
sing for the jury.
have you ever heard of a class that simple? one song. ONE SONG.
i want to quit. i do not want to teach stupid people anymore. i will GLADLY teach children and adults of all ages, if they are awake, have half a brain, and are respectful of me and my time. i don't want to hear their sob stories ANY MORE. i don't want to copy any more music, i don't want to record any more songs. if they want to sing well, they need to work for it on their own. I ALREADY DID!!!!
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
did anyone read my friend sharon's comment on the last blog entry? sharon, you are so right on. you shore do gotta way with words, honey. my favorite thing about the blog is reading the comments. my mom replied to an earlier one, by e-mail, and it was a great response. somehow, the blog gives us freedom to be our wisest and most intimate selves. i love what it brings out of people...
more on my week, which has turned out to be amazing...
you know, i care deeply about this performance on friday, and so, to prepare for it, i am going to have a marvelous, restful week and not sing all week. then i'm going to drive to oklahoma, with so much energy, feeling fresh and totally ready to tackle the piece. i will have worked out all week, and will have a clean apartment to come home to as well. i will sing my heart out, wrong notes and all, and no one will be the wiser.
tuesday ~ a day that usually begins by teaching a half-asleep college student at 9 am, who even in her still-crusty eyed stupor, manages to be skeptical of my teaching methods. the day ends 12 teeth-grinding hours later, after a three-hour rehearsal with the kc chorale, which is hard on the body, but i really love it.
however, today's tuesday is more like it! no first patience-trying lesson, teach from 11-4:30. which means i'm sitting on my couch, drinking coffee, making my to-do list and doing laundry. hallelujah!! and no chorale tonight either!!! now THAT'S a schedule i can handle. if i have to do this job, it's gotta to be in small increments, or i'll go postal.
more on my week, which has turned out to be amazing...
you know, i care deeply about this performance on friday, and so, to prepare for it, i am going to have a marvelous, restful week and not sing all week. then i'm going to drive to oklahoma, with so much energy, feeling fresh and totally ready to tackle the piece. i will have worked out all week, and will have a clean apartment to come home to as well. i will sing my heart out, wrong notes and all, and no one will be the wiser.
tuesday ~ a day that usually begins by teaching a half-asleep college student at 9 am, who even in her still-crusty eyed stupor, manages to be skeptical of my teaching methods. the day ends 12 teeth-grinding hours later, after a three-hour rehearsal with the kc chorale, which is hard on the body, but i really love it.
however, today's tuesday is more like it! no first patience-trying lesson, teach from 11-4:30. which means i'm sitting on my couch, drinking coffee, making my to-do list and doing laundry. hallelujah!! and no chorale tonight either!!! now THAT'S a schedule i can handle. if i have to do this job, it's gotta to be in small increments, or i'll go postal.
Monday, November 08, 2010
monday morning, again...
i have so much to say, but don't feel like it's appropriate, or interesting, to talk about on a blog. what should a person talk about on a blog? do people like hearing about me, me, me all the time? i seriously doubt that the goings-on in my heart and in my life are that interesting of a read. but maybe i should give it a try. tell the whole story.
i woke up this morning feeling heavy. one whole side of my brain is pounding. thrilled that this week is an easy week. no performances until friday!!! and that one's a doozy, but, and i hope anyone who reads this blog is not hurt by what i'm about to say, i am not practicing the music. at all. i cannot. i may open it up before i go to oklahoma. i may not. i probably will not. i need to claim my life back. need to workout, need to clean my kitchen, need to enjoy what's left of the beautiful fall, need normalcy. music has had my life by the tail since day 1. i'm glad about that, but it's too much. i'm burnt crisp.
huhhhhh...
moving on...
drinking a delicious cappuccino, which i made with my wonderful espresso machine that was put away in a cabinet. for the last several months, i have chosen drip coffee for the sheer volume it can make. but this morning, i wanted one delicious, perfect, european coffee. will probably go back for a 2nd.
i have tons to do for the wedding. that's next on the list. the wedding does not stress me out, though. it's a fun to-do list. i can hardly wait to get married. marriage will change a lot of things. my schedule is going to get a lot easier. i will be teaching at william jewell, making less money than i am now, but leaving every evening and going home to my place ~ OUR place ~ with no prospects of students invading my home. i will be done earlier in the evening and will get to have real evenings for the first time in years. working 10-6 will be amazing, so maybe then i can handle the performing schedule with a little more grace.
the last thing on my mind this morning is the one that is making me heavy. the holidays. i have been very excited for them, until recently. now i'm just worried about them. i know everyone has an idyllic holiday picture in mind, right? and every person's picture involves food. we know that much. i'm probably no different than most people in saying that mine involves a lot of rest and relaxation. a lot of fun holiday movies, food, wine, lying around. i want to be where i am surrounded by people who make me feel totally comfortable. i can be silly, laugh too loudly, cry if i feel sad about missing my dad, be lazy, and really communicate with the people around me.
i want to bring my whole and complete self to the table. and i want my family to be that group of people. but are they?
can anyone do that with family? is it rude to bring your whole self to the table if you know your whole self doesn't fit in quite as well as the 1/4 self that you usually choose?
does everyone feel this way? if so, why are we doing this to ourselves? family is number 1 ~ we should be ourselves around our families. that sounds so silly! but is anyone actually comfortable around family? my family is wonderful. they each have such strengths and such strong personalities. it could be a powerful meeting of the minds, but most times, it's awkward. why?
well, i know one thing: i am armed with incredible holiday recipes. i am making gluehwein for a hot drink, and wherever i am on thanksgiving, there will be a creamy pumpkin soup or butternut squash soup. and i think i need to break out the pecan pixy pies again.
so now that it is 8:40am, i've drunk my cappuccino and now have emptied my thoughts onto my blog, i will now go work out for the first time in weeks. i am determined to work out every single week until the big wedding day. my arms WILL be wedding dress fabulous. very important!
okay, that wasn't so hard. i don't feel so heavy now.
i woke up this morning feeling heavy. one whole side of my brain is pounding. thrilled that this week is an easy week. no performances until friday!!! and that one's a doozy, but, and i hope anyone who reads this blog is not hurt by what i'm about to say, i am not practicing the music. at all. i cannot. i may open it up before i go to oklahoma. i may not. i probably will not. i need to claim my life back. need to workout, need to clean my kitchen, need to enjoy what's left of the beautiful fall, need normalcy. music has had my life by the tail since day 1. i'm glad about that, but it's too much. i'm burnt crisp.
huhhhhh...
moving on...
drinking a delicious cappuccino, which i made with my wonderful espresso machine that was put away in a cabinet. for the last several months, i have chosen drip coffee for the sheer volume it can make. but this morning, i wanted one delicious, perfect, european coffee. will probably go back for a 2nd.
i have tons to do for the wedding. that's next on the list. the wedding does not stress me out, though. it's a fun to-do list. i can hardly wait to get married. marriage will change a lot of things. my schedule is going to get a lot easier. i will be teaching at william jewell, making less money than i am now, but leaving every evening and going home to my place ~ OUR place ~ with no prospects of students invading my home. i will be done earlier in the evening and will get to have real evenings for the first time in years. working 10-6 will be amazing, so maybe then i can handle the performing schedule with a little more grace.
the last thing on my mind this morning is the one that is making me heavy. the holidays. i have been very excited for them, until recently. now i'm just worried about them. i know everyone has an idyllic holiday picture in mind, right? and every person's picture involves food. we know that much. i'm probably no different than most people in saying that mine involves a lot of rest and relaxation. a lot of fun holiday movies, food, wine, lying around. i want to be where i am surrounded by people who make me feel totally comfortable. i can be silly, laugh too loudly, cry if i feel sad about missing my dad, be lazy, and really communicate with the people around me.
i want to bring my whole and complete self to the table. and i want my family to be that group of people. but are they?
can anyone do that with family? is it rude to bring your whole self to the table if you know your whole self doesn't fit in quite as well as the 1/4 self that you usually choose?
does everyone feel this way? if so, why are we doing this to ourselves? family is number 1 ~ we should be ourselves around our families. that sounds so silly! but is anyone actually comfortable around family? my family is wonderful. they each have such strengths and such strong personalities. it could be a powerful meeting of the minds, but most times, it's awkward. why?
well, i know one thing: i am armed with incredible holiday recipes. i am making gluehwein for a hot drink, and wherever i am on thanksgiving, there will be a creamy pumpkin soup or butternut squash soup. and i think i need to break out the pecan pixy pies again.
so now that it is 8:40am, i've drunk my cappuccino and now have emptied my thoughts onto my blog, i will now go work out for the first time in weeks. i am determined to work out every single week until the big wedding day. my arms WILL be wedding dress fabulous. very important!
okay, that wasn't so hard. i don't feel so heavy now.
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