just when you are about to veer off the right road and end up in the woods, something, Someone, guides you back. two concerts this week, both brilliant and beautiful music. my cup is full and i can't imagine my life without this amazing love. and just days ago, i felt like giving up on music entirely.
but i'm not going to question my sanity. i think anyone with a schedule this harried and this much music to learn would get a little crazy about it. it's a love/hate relationship, like most relationships.
today is the children's concert and final rehearsal of a world premiere i am singing with the kc chamber orchestra. the music is absolutely beautiful and intriguing and, most of all, passionate to the nth degree. i want it to sound effortless and almost improvisatory. i'm not there yet, that's for sure. not even close. but i really hope the recording turns out great, so i can secretly send it to every little orchestra or chamber group i know and beg them to play it, just so i can sing it again! i want to record it too. it's one of those works that, i think, people will be humming the next day. i can't get the melodies out of my head, personally.
and then i sing elijah this weekend. the words are so strong, so demanding that you turn to God and trust nothing else. a student recently came to her lesson, after having received a 2 rating at state contest, and she said, "my whole goal in life was to get a 1 every year at state." and i told that sort of goal was so beneath her. i sent her away with one task: to find a new and loftier goal. i told her to write about it and spend some time thinking about it. i sincerely hope she comes in next week with a new goal and learns the healing of journaling in the process.
and then i thought, "what is my goal?" what is my goal in life? what is my goal today? to sing everything correctly? to please the composer, who will be there? to just do my job? to make people in the audience cry or laugh or feel anything? to tell a story?
all of the above.
unfortunately.
they're all good goals, but too many. i guess i just need to go a little higher and focus on one: to honor God, and give my voice back to the One who gave it to me in the first place.
my own personal experiences have shown that if you think of just that, all those other goals will be possible.

midlife crisis? at 36?

for months i have been questioning my vocation in this world. my calling.
i have been singing since i was probably two years old. or so my mother says. she has told me many times that i was playing in my room one day and she heard me singing. not all that strange, except, it was in LATIN. what the....? i can only hope that i flipped my r's appropriately and avoided diphthongs.
anyway, i have been singing and playing instruments, and have loved every minute of it, since the beginning. i begged my piano teacher to take me at 5 instead of 6, because i just couldn't wait. and besides, i was already playing my sister's piano songs by ear. i started violin in 5th grade and brought home the instrument we were not supposed to play until we knew how, and picked it up and it became an instant extension to my shoulder. perfect. i loved it. i never wanted to put it down.
i chose singing because it sort of chose me. as principal second chair of the symphony in undergrad, and a good leader, but not all that disciplined as a violinist, i wore ball gowns and off-the-shoulder numbers to concerts, rather than just gig black. i guess that was the first inclination that i probably should be a singer.
but lately, and especially this weekend, i'm just tired of the baggage that comes with singing. i'm tired of "constructive criticism". tired of "can you try singing it this way?" no. i can't. i cannot sing any louder, any better, or with any more feeling. i'm tapped out.
now, i'm sure that's not true. i'm sure i'm just in a slump and it's the end of the season and i have a million concerts right now and i'm just burnt out. but you can't BE burnt out when you are singer. you have to be ON. lovely. confident. oozing sensuality and joy. gag me.
all i'm oozing right now is snot out of my left nostril, thanks to this allergy season from hell.
but i can fake it till the end, as long as people can just all back off a little and stop telling me how to sing, when they're not even singers themselves!
so then i started thinking, after my little fit, what would i do if i didn't sing?
two things came to mind: cooking and writing. so i think i'll merely add those to my life and see where they go, and that will give me some time away from singing and teaching. if i can just unplug for a few hours each week, that might save me.
tony bennett quoted that when he gets tired of singing, he paints. when he gets tired of painting, he sings.
how brilliant.

DAY OFF

two humdrum three-letter words, that, when put together in the correct order, become music to my ears.
to me, every day that is not a day off, in my opinion, is just an OFF DAY.
of course, i'm kidding. i work hard and enjoy my work. i guess i just get tired of being "on". singing well, being confident, never questioning my talent, when i feel like questioning it all day long. and then there's teaching ~ diagnosing student after student, concocting the perfect prescription of therapy and technique to make them become better singers, when most of them could just practice during the week and come up with the same results.
ugh.
i think that's why i have become more and more drawn to writing. the quiet and introversion of it. no one there to question me, no one needing to even understand what i'm trying to say. i can even write something really ridiculous, and poof, i can just delete it and pretend it never occurred to me.
i like that.
anyway, it's a lovely day off. tons of music to learn, but not ready to open it. still have to teach, but just for an hour. even that gives me heartburn. i just want to be quiet. i want to enjoy the birds outside and the breeze coming through my windows, sending fresh air through my whole apartment, calming me.
i am clinging to every single hour, begging it to not go too quickly. tomorrow is such a huge day and i'm not rested enough to face it. the only remedy i have when i get this way is to make a list. a list of future fun to come.
LIST OF FUTURE FUN TO COME:
1. summer is almost here!
2. awesome bf coming over tonight. going to make broccoli/cheese/rice soup in my new awesome kitchen, memorize elijah and watch movies with awesome bf. a REAL friday night.
3. students who just had lessons were fantastic! and grateful.
4. the weather is just gorgeous today. perfect, really.
5. got my haircut and it is adorable. great hair makes me so happy.
6. i feel good about pretty much everything right now. that's awesome.
7. last but definitely not least ~ i think a glass of red wine is in my near future.
i know my list should have items like, "God is so good" and "i'm so lucky to have a great family and great loved ones", but i expect those to be there all the time and am always grateful for those. those thoughts are so ingrained in my bones that i have never and will never feel any differently. what really boosts my mood is the small things.
besides, isn't the peace i feel from this breeze coming through my window, really God making Himself present to me?

i have three minutes to write something, but i don't want to go another day, WEEK, without blogging. i try to write every single morning in a journal, and blog once a week. neither has happened in a long time. my life is spinning out of control and you would think that a person who is spinning so much would be thinner! and richer. but these gigs all pay tiddly-winks. so i have to take every gig thrown at me to just come up with a sum that i can live on. it's worth it, though. all worth it. i love to sing. i'm loving it more than i ever have, because i'm singing the type of music that really fits me, and i can flourish with it. and to have this many gigs in a month? while living in a gorgeous, easy city like KC?
there was a time when i made more in one gig than i make singing all my gigs all year long. but they were empty. no john and leona schaefer in the audience. no conductor who already knows me and respects my talent. no familiar surroundings. didn't sleep in my own bed for weeks, just to get that paycheck. not worth it, unless you hate your bed. but i love my bed, my bedroom, my own kitchen, and my own coffee cups.