I read somewhere that women should start investigating hormone therapy as early as their 30's. I'm 36 and I feel emotionally imbalanced in a new and scary way that I've never felt before. I feel depressed when I shouldn't, stressed all the time, both high energy and absolutely rock-bottom fatigued all at once. I know my crazy life makes some of this happen, but I'm really tired of it and want to feel normal again.
Is it too early to worry about pre-menopause? Not that I'm worried about it, but just want to look for a reason as to why I'm still in bed and it's 11:30 and I am dreading teaching more than a person should. I don't know. Maybe I just need some time off and that would make everything better. I do. I need time off. But if I can't afford to do that, how can I get through without this emotional toil?
It doesn't help that I had a very exhausting rehearsal last night that ended in tears for me.
I will gladly face emotional toil if there is a valid reason. But other than that awful rehearsal, I have NO reason. This year has been overwhelming and it is essentially over. So there's a certain adjustment that must take place in your system when everything is finished. Your body has a letdown. I get that. Is that all it is?
I want to cry but no tears will come. I want to shake it off and just get busy, but I'm glued to this bed.
The thing is: I'm hard on myself. I don't like feeling less than 100% because I want to be something. I want to make a difference. I want to be creative and want my creations to be make a difference in people's lives. The world premiere I was a part of in April made a difference. People in the audience left with a new opinion about contemporary music. They were refreshed by hearing something different and fun coming from a chamber orchestra that usually does mostly Mozart. The composer was changed because I put so much passion and effort and work into the performance of these amazing pieces. And I was changed forever by it as well.
I am starting my lunch biz back up again ~ the Pixywagon. Those women asked me to start it back up again because their hard-working days are a little easier and a little brighter, so they said, when they know they have healthy, yummy food for lunch. I am thrilled to help them with this and this is the kind of difference I'm interested in making. Small, but big.
So when I'm lying in bed all morning and too down to face just the silly laundry, I feel really small and lose all faith in myself, that I could ever be big enough to help someone out with my little creations.
There's a prayer in the Bible called the Prayer of Jabez. It's beautiful and I used to cling to it. How have I gotten so far away from that wisdom?
OH LORD, THAT YOU WOULD BLESS ME
AND ENLARGE MY TERRITORY
THAT YOUR HAND WOULD BE WITH ME
THAT I MAY NOT CAUSE PAIN.
Everything I care about, all in one prayer. I want to be blessed, so that I can be a blessing. I want to be as "big" as I possibly can be. And I want no one to be hurt by my words or actions.
That's it. And now I'm out of bed. Thank you God.