my jane austen presentation was yesterday. REALLY glad it's over. and they loved it, thank goodness, and it did go well. i didn't feel the kind of relief i wanted to feel afterward, though. had a quick drink with a couple people and ran to chorale rehearsal. i get there and, no offense to these poor ladies, but there were two sopranos who were sick and were sitting out. so there was more pressure on the remaining four to be perfect. it seems thankless that i work so hard on a program, present it, sing and accompany myself, and then i have to go to a rehearsal full of people who really are my musical family, and no one even knows about the performance, or what i just did to my voice for the last few hours. can i just get a little bit of "sarah just performed, so we shouldn't expect too much from her." or "here, sarah, do you need to lie down for this rehearsal?" ha ha. just kidding, but seriously, it feels like no one cares sometimes. which brings me to some awkward questions that i have always wanted to ask: how do you self-promote without the shameless part? you always hear the two words "shameless" and "self-promotion" together, but all i want to do is let people know what's going on in my life, and that it's really exciting. how do you share your achievements or your stresses or milestones with friends, without sounding self-absorbed? if a tree falls in the woods, does it get any applause? :) i feel so uncomfortable with this subject that i feel like deleting all of the above. and i also don't feel like teaching today for 7 hours. that's for sure. talk about a group of people in my life who have no idea what's going on.

i am so draggy today. worthless no good sack of wet noodles. why does that happen? i slept well, caffeinated properly, have not deprived myself of nutrients, protein, you name it. and still, i am good for nothin'.

it is so gorgeous here, though. wow. i just want to be in a park, on a blanket, with a bottle of wine, mr. wonderful at my side, and a good jane austen book.

or on the couch with all of the above. either/or.

i've been reading the pioneer woman's blog. wow, it is so pretty. so many pictures and colors! makes mine look so bland. maybe i need to pick a new color scheme?

i'm in indianapolis and just waiting for my flight. sang two concerts here and had a blast. early music rocks! the musicians are like jazz musicians and historians mixed together. so quirky and interesting and BRILLIANT. my lord, i know nothing compared to these people! okay, i know nothing period. but i like it that way!

anyway, i did have to work with this very typical, toxic singer. blech. and the first day of the gig, i called my mom crying and telling her that i think i need to quit singing. i was so upset and so depressed. by the next day, there was a different mezzo on the gig and she was SO inspiring and amazing. and a fantastic teacher! i picked her brain about studio stuff. i feel like the devil was really working on me and i won the fight. by the end of the gig, i had 3 more gigs lined up and a sense of joy about singing again.

the bottom line is: people shouldn't affect me that much. but they do. no matter how i might try to change and be a stronger person, i just struggle with toxicity. i struggle with imbalance. i can't deal with hostile vibrations, man!!!

went to jose peppers last night with my fabulous BFF becky, a really sweet guy named nick, and my hubba bubba, mr. wonderful. i ate more chips, queso and salsa than a petite girl should ever be allowed, and drank TWO margaritas. feeling such utter remorse this morning. haven't worked out all week, just feel like i can never change and stick with anything new. i worked out for two weeks, about as long as i stick with a workout, and i immediately saw the difference in my body. isn't that a gift from God, to see the difference that quickly? and then i stopped because i wasn't feeling well for just one day. then the next day, i really wanted to get some stuff done in the morning, and i did, but by the third day of the week, i just didn't wanna work out. here it is, thursday, and self-loathing has me frozen on the couch.

in a little under 3 months, i will be going to a wedding in the dominican republic, and all my friends from high school will be there. it will be like a reunion, only i will go to that reunion in a swim suit. this cruel and unusual punishment and i am terrified. and i happen to know that all these people have been working out and have had trainers and have run marathons all this time. they're all doctors, they all have money, and they all are into working out. and they all love me and are not judgmental people. but i really don't want to show up looking like i look right now.

but this pressure just makes we want to run and hide. it doesn't feel like a challenge to me. it feels like a sentence. a countdown until i find out that i've, once again, failed.

when i got engaged, i had 8 or 9 months to work out, lose weight, and get in shape for the wedding. i did work out for quite a few months and i loved achieving that life-long goal of sticking to a daily routine. i never lost a pound, but i was feeling good. then i got really sick and lost my voice and all my energy. i was in bed for more than a week and lost 8 pounds just because i wasn't eating or drinking.

here i am, on the other side of the wedding, just wondering how to live THIS delicious life of breakfast with friends, wine with my hubby, margaritas with the girls, and let's not forget my LOVE for cooking. i don't want to be the person who is sitting there with a water and saying, "i can't. it's not on my diet."

geez, i'm a bloggin' fool lately. it's so incredibly therapeutic for me. i read the pioneer woman and smitten kitchen blogs and they are like works of art. not really doing this, though, to be artistic. i'm doing this to keep balanced, remind myself of the stuff that really matters, and share it with anyone who might be on the same path.

all my friends, pretty much all, are singers. becky, amy, sylvia, denise, sharon, toni, lindsey, lindsay, kristee, ida, and there are more ~ these gorgeous women, who might hate that i just named them, are all on a generally similar path as me. juggling real life with artistic life. trying to be GREAT at both. i don't think any of these women ever want to be in the dark about anything. they are not content with stones left unturned or excelling at one thing and not another. in their maturity they may have taught themselves to say they're okay with it. but deep down, they're not.

excluding my mom, who just pretty much loves anything i write (if she could love a baby with a unibrow, it's not hard to love from there on out), these women are interested in singer talk. so why do i never talk singer talk on here?

just trying it on for size.

performance friday night. so moving. such beautiful women and friends up there, singing their hearts out, for the money? well, maybe "time IS money". but i would have made the same money if i had left my heart and soul at home. and you look out there at the audience, in topeka, kansas, and you think, "these people live in the capitol city of a state in the middle of nowhere. they've come to a concert on labor day weekend. they could have gone to the movies or stayed at home and grilled out. but they chose this. they deserve something special. and my colleagues deserve my 100% best as well.

anyway, we did it. and it felt so great. these are emotions i feel all the time because i sing all the time. so it's hard to really talk about them because they are just everyday normal emotions for singers. the nerves, the self-deprecation, the worry, the trying to let it go, the elation when it's over, yada yada. and then usually the review, or the audience comments, like, "how does that big sound come out of that little body?" or "i couldn't hear you. they should have miked you." and i will receive those contrasting comments from audience members at the same concert!

do all singers need therapy?

i think so...

have you ever just craved an hour of downtime? just an hour with a good book, a cup of tea (and when i say tea, i really mean a glass of wine, but you get the idea), an hour on the couch, just hanging out?

i just now had an hour to do that, and honestly, i found out that you really only need 20 minutes of that to feel like a million bucks. in fact, after about 15 minutes, i started to look at the clock. so, don't we all have 20 minutes to just sit and reflect? i didn't even reflect ~ i read real simple magazine. i tore out some cute fall clothes ideas. i had the tv off, no music, i was even drinking plain ole water. just 15 or 20 minutes is really all it takes.

i didn't really know this because i used to always turn on the tv when i wanted to relax. in fact, i tried to turn the tv on just now, but the remote was acting up and i gave up on it. (how lazy can a girl be?) but i think i knew it was the wrong thing to do. see, it's totally okay to have a little tv downtime. it's fine! but, one thing i have definitely learned is that it takes a LOT more time in front of that tv to regroup and reset, if that's what you're looking for, than it does if you're reading or blogging, or just looking out the window.

in my recent experience, 15 minutes with a book or magazine is equal to an hour of tv. and at the end of that hour, i'm cranky about having to turn it off. i always want more. when i emerge from a reading session, i definitely want more reading, but feel like i really treated myself as well.

this is all coming from a die-hard, completely addicted tv lover. i grew up during the best sitcom era ever ~ the cosby show, laverne and shirley, the brady bunch, the carol burnett show. i will always love tv because of those shows. i have an occasional show that i'm just in love with right now, but i'm learning how to turn the tv off, after i've watched my beloved show, rather than just letting the tv run all night.

i have absolutely no judgment about this subject. it's all a case-by-case basis. it's like having a coffee or tea preference. but the joy and peace i just felt after only a few minutes spent in silence, just had to be shared.

i have a performance tonight, and i feel totally rested and ready to conquer the stress that comes with this very strange vocation i've found myself in.