this day, 75 years ago, my father was born. and even though he's gone, we are still going to celebrate his birthday ~ really, his life. more than that, we will celebrate our lives and how they were better because we knew him.

he hated snow, and we keep getting it this winter. we got some last night and this morning and it is just beautiful. he would still somehow make it to panera for his morning ritual, but he'd complain about this stupid white stuff all day long. "is this how it's gonna be all winter long?"

we were all so concerned about him shuffling around on the ice this winter. he had taken this antibiotic a year ago, that left him with a balance issue. so we watched him shuffle around, constantly unsteady. unsteady is not a word i ever imagined i would use to describe my dad. he was steady, consistant, balanced. he did everything in moderation, except work.

it seems like the minute he died, i started turning back the clock of his life. for about two weeks, i was stuck on my growing up years. on a winter day like this, he would have come in to wake me up for school, starting with the weather report. "it's snowing out there, babes. it's sooo cold. man. i like to never got the cars cleaned off." then he would quickly say, "did you know that in 120 days, we'll be on the warm, sunny, white sands of pensacola beach?" or whatever huge number it was. he was counting the days until vacation.

but now, a month later, the clock is stuck on his 20's. i have no idea why. but i'm starting to think that maybe this is the age he is in heaven. his time in the army was some of the best times of his life, and before he got sick and almost died. so i'm thinking he's 20 or 21 up there. no one knows exactly how it works, and i don't normally care about the details of heaven. but now that i know he's up there, i find myself daydreaming about it. my sister thinks he's working on cars up there and doing handy fix-up jobs. my mom thinks he's playing music. i think he's drinking coffee with his sisters.

so, as i'm drinking my coffee this wintery morning of his 75th birthday, here's to you, dad.

merry christmas!!!!!

it's two days after the big day and still snowing! and the danger of the exhausting four-hour drive from kc to jeff city on christmas day has not weakened my love for winter weather.

i asked for a lot of snow this winter. i just needed it. i needed a blanket of fresh white to wipe the slate of this year clean. not that it has been a bad year. just a full year. a lot of change, a lot of new chapters. but the snow outside is slowing my heartrate down and forcing me to sleep, eat, and veg. i'm holding my precious little niece lexie a lot and rolling around on the floor with my precocious niece avery. they are so much fun!!! i never noticed that precious and precocious are so close. not sure if i'm spelling it right, but too lazy to find out.

i wished for snow because i already have everything else i need. i feel content and satisfied with my life. of course, there is always the desire to make it better. but that doesn't mean i'm not content. i'm both. i have such dreams, but those dreams make my present feel brighter and more alive. they don't make me impatient and strung out.

i wish we women talked more about that part of aging, rather than complain about wrinkles and gray hair. i'm 36 and starting to feel so comfortable in my own skin. i feel beautiful, even though i'm totally out of shape. i mean totally. i'm about to lose my entire wardrobe if i'm not careful. so the working out will commence very soon, just for the purpose of keeping my cute clothes! HA!

okay, obviously i have nothing profound to say. it's almost 2pm and i'm still in my flannel pj pants and rockhurst high school hoodie. i just hope that whoever is reading this is getting a break from life as well. i feel like the days between christmas and new year's should be a blur ~ one day of relaxation bleeding into the next.

can i just brag about my boyfriend for a minute? all i've done for the last 20 years is whine and complain about the disappointing men in my life. i feel like my friends and family deserve for me to bend their ears with good news for as many years as they had to listen to my sob story.

those poor guys ~ they had so much to live up to. when you have a father like mine, you better get on your knees and pray for a miracle, that some guy can even hold a candle to the example you had growing up.

and did i wait patiently for that man and not settle for less? ha. that's a definite no. how many years did i beg and scream and bargain with god to send me a great man? and it wasn't like the answer was no. but i was asking god for one thing, and giving my heart to the opposite. "god, please send me a loving, christian man. but in the meantime, i'll date this loser who smirks at my faith, and runs out the door every time i have a problem."

well, this guy beats all the odds. he has been there for me since the first day we met, and especially since my father died. i appreciate him so much, and i know that my gratitude goes much deeper because of all the bad experiences i have had before him.

and it's not like i learned my lesson, or something. he just showed up. if i could write a self-help book for women who are looking for love and respect from a man, it would only have one page: "there is no way to find a guy. there is nothing you can do but wait, love yourself, wait, get all the degrees you want, wait, practice, knit, read, have girlfriends, wait, work out, enjoy your life, wait, and don't settle for anyone less than what you are looking for. and wait."

and you might have to try on a few idiots for size.

snow day, part 2

it's not really a snow day. i just don't teach until 3:00 and am pretending it's a snow day until then. the first snow of winter is so glorious. actually, i like all of the snows. maybe not the random blizzard in april we manage to get every year in missouri. i draw the line there.

it's so beautiful out there. if i was not so contentedly snuggled up under two blankets on my chaise lounge, drinking delicious roasterie coffee and surfing the net, i would go out and take a picture. not worth it. you've seen snow, right? too lazy.

but it sho is pretty.

i'm staring at my piano, and the music that needs to be practiced, neatly stacked on top of it. at least i'm organized. and at least i am in the same room as said piano.

baby steps ~ practice.

1st step: get in the same room as the music.

2nd step: stare at the piano while sitting on the couch.

3rd step: imagine walking over to the piano and opening up the music.

4th step: race through a list of things i'd RATHER do than sit at that piano, plunking out notes and working on coloratura passages of "rejoice greatly" for the millionth time. and all the same issues have been there since 1997.

huh. exhausted. need a nap. maybe one more cup of coffee.

breakfast? that sounds safe.

seriously, though, i really have started practicing more. i'm doing much better than i used to.

really.

snow day...

...well, at least rain, sleet, cold and eventually snow day. try yuck day. too yucky to even think about getting out ~ unless you're REALLY important. and i'm not. tra la laaaa.

that makes me very happy.

with the passing of my father this thanksgiving, and the birth of my new niece, i've discovered the meaning of, well, everything. none of it really matters, and, at the same time, all of it means so much. does that make any sense? it does to me.

it's 11:26 a.m. and i have no intention of getting out of this sweat pant and bulky butt-covering sweater ensemble for the remainder of the day. i have happily consumed the 6 cups of coffee i brewed this morning, will probably wait too long to eat something, and will not set foot inside the gym. instead of practicing, i will watch baby boom for the thousandth time and pick up that knitting project i started in 1993 (not really ~ i wasn't even born then). or bake cookies that i shouldn't be eating. this is living, people. this is why i love winter.

i went to the bank the other day and the teller said, "are you ready for Christmas?" i replied, "yeah", and she said, "really? i'm not. i haven't bought one gift yet. there's so much to do, blah blah blah..." she went on and on. it never occurred to me that "are you ready" meant, "have you bought all your gifts". i'm simply ready to enjoy Christmas. does that mean i'm selfish? maybe it would be different if i had my own children to buy for. i'm absolutely numb to the gift-giving process this year. non-plussed. i wasn't when i was a kid, though. i was obsessed with all the gifts i would get. i loved new things ~ new clothes, toys, you name it. people say Christmas is best when you're a kid, but it's getting more magical for me every year. i couldn't help but focus on the gifts when i was a child. now, i just wish for a restful time off, great food, time with family, great food, time with my wonderful boyfriend, and great food.

oh yeah, and great food.

okay, i guess there has been a transfer of obsessions.