taxes are taxing...

leave it to me ~ the most artistically-minded to-do lister on the planet. somehow, i have managed to make the act of doing my taxes an emotional experience.

my taxes are so involved and confusing that it takes days for me to just prepare my tax information before my accountant takes over. i wish i could just bring him the infamous shoe box full of receipts and let him go to town. but it doesn't work that way when you're self-employed. and you don't get the maximum deductions either, which i need desperately.

so, i'm going through my calender/bible for the year of 2009, adding up mileage and logging trips. and it's hard for me to sail through this process because it seems that every page contains a different memory of this last year. was it really just last february that i went to the grammy's? i can't believe it. i have to laugh at the few feeble attempts at dating, all miserable disasters. and wow, did i lunch with girlfriends! i had so much more time and so much more money. both are not true, really, but i squandered away both in an absolute need to please myself. man, there are so many gigs that i totally forgot about. i can't believe all the miles i drove. drive! thank God my civic gets 40 on the highway, baby.

i even realized, when looking at the month of may, that my boyfriend and i have been celebrating the anniversary of our first date on the wrong day all year! how in the world did i do that? on the 9th, not the 5th. geez. i can never get mad at someone for forgetting my birthday or valentine's day, when i'm the worst offender.

so, this trip down memory lane will hopefully end in massive deductions and fewer tears on friday, when i hand over my entire year to my accountant, and he tells me i owe thousands.

in summary: i've learned that every year i freak about taxes, every year i manage to pay them, and 2009 was definitely a year of tremendous loss and gain. and i don't just mean money.

Everyday in my inbox, I receive a devotion. There's a quote from someone, like Jesus or Ghandi or even Bob Hope. And then there is a meditation, or mantra, followed by a prayer. I haven't read it in a while, but here is today's quote:

"Walk in peace. Be undisturbed and unperturbed: all is in God's plan.
Never doubt this. Bring God into your life, and you will see miracles."
~White Eagle

Okay, White Eagle, thanks for the tip. But here's the problem: God is definitely in my life, and I have seen amazing miracles. I also do not doubt God's plan for my life and this helps me make sense of all the stuff that doesn't make sense. Like that sentence, which might not make sense to anyone but me.

But walk in peace, by way of being undisturbed and unperturbed? Oh man. Tall order. I have had moments of miraculous peace, and in the midst of very stormy times. In fact, the only times I have felt deep peace, I'll admit, WAS when I needed it the most. I mean, what kind of peace are we talking about here? What does it look like to walk in peace? Heck, I don't even walk that much, let alone feel peace. I run. From one thing to the next. And when I'm not running, I'm lurching forward in a jittery-type dance, hyper and over-caffeinated. Or, I'm dead asleep, mouth open, slobber on pillow.

I mean, are some people's personalities just not meant to exude peace? Would anyone describe me as a peaceful person? I have a great friend who is an avid knitter, quiet, meditative. Not me so much. I love being around that friend. Does that count?

When I think of what peaceful my look like on me, I envision a summer day, and I am wearing a cream-colored sundress, my hair in a scarf. I am driving a convertible that is, of course, paid off. I have a tan, but no sunspots. I have no watch on because I don't need to know the time. I have just come from lunch with my girlfriends and am headed to the spa to have numerous relaxing treatments performed on me. I have a perfect body and a full bank account.

Now, I KNOW White Eagle wasn't talking about that kind of peace. His peace means being unperturbed, unaffected, unchanged by anything and everything. And I experience that on an hourly basis! The blood rises to my head when I can't find my keys and I'm late getting out the door. My hair won't do what I want it to do and I want to throw the brush across the room. I wake up dreading the day (well, not anymore ~ I gave up dread for Lent) and why would I dread my day? Am I having surgery? Will there be an earthquake? What am I dreading!!!?

It's just a constant habitual emotion that comes from imbalance and I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to look forward to the day and pretend I have peace and balance, even in my grey hoody, sweatpants and bandana on my head, and maybe it'll come my way. It doesn't have to LOOK like Meg Ryan at the end of You've Got Mail. It just has to FEEL like peace. And I think I don't have to be serene and sitting in a corner, contemplating butterflies either. I think I can be hyper and crazy and energetic and, well, me. Just drop the dreading, perturbed, annoyed thing.

Instead of dreading and being frustrated until peace comes my way, I think I'll invite peace into my life, by fooling it into thinking it would want to knock on this door today. Sneaky. Very sneaky...

me, myself and i

i have neglected my closest friend, and enemy. myself. i have put her last on every to-do list compiled. i have stopped working out, stopped looking in the mirror, stopped feeling romantic, stopped journaling, stopped treating my body right, stopped eating right, stopped enjoying each moment.

until today? maybe? please? God? help?

although i am still exhausted from the last two imbalanced weeks of rehearsals, lessons, performances, taco bell runs, coffee binges, and tremendous vocal abuse, and feel like doing nothing but lying in bed under 5 blankets, with an old movie, i am going to attempt to make a change today. i need to go back to the workout girl i was in january! the 64 ounces of water girl, who drank her vemma every morning and felt no hesitation in getting out there and moving. right now ~ i feel like i am super-glued to this stupid chair in front of my computer. agh! maybe i should go back to bed. what? why do we think such ridiculous things?

i am reading an amazing book about how journaling can clear your mind, so that you can accomplish great things in your day. we all have known this forever, but the angle she puts on it is new to me. she suggests that you write morning pages every day ~ three pages of every little thought that comes to your head. no judgment. no attempt at being profound. just three pages. it clears your mind and helps you solve problems that block you. problems you didn't even know you had that keep you from being healthy. and if you do that ~ you will be able to stop blocking your emotions with food, because we totally do that, and will be able to unglue yourself from your stupid chair and go exercise already.

but her idea of exercise has everything to do with releasing your creative juices and your best self. NOT exercising for the sole purpose of being hot. that is merely a by-product, which actually comes from the creative juices thing, not the perfect dimensions thing.

this is awesome ~ i respond greatly to this type of thinking, because i have a hard time working out every day if it is only for the purpose of me looking good. don't get me wrong ~ i am vain. i want to look great in a bikini. i want every cocktail dress in my closet to zip up all the way. and they don't right now. in fact, only one does.

my sad admission is this: i feel like losing 10 lbs is almost impossible and i have a very, very long way to go, even though it's only 10 lbs. but that's because i have never lost weight on purpose. i have never been UNable to zip a dress in my closet. i have never chosen clothes that cover me up instead of show me off. i'm like jasmin over here ~ a whole new world. except i don't have her figure.

so the fact that i feel powerless to lose 10 lbs greatly affects my will to work out, and having an ulterior motive is a wonderful thing for me, especially if it has anything to do with creativity! the idea that 30 minutes of cardio could loosen up my creative juices and make me practice more, is exactly what this girl needed to hear.

also, on a much more shallow note, the gym is my only chance for TV.

so i'm off to continue this strange journey of attempting weight loss. i feel like i have blinders on and am feeling my way around, with not one ounce of hope or faith that i could actually reach my goal.

but this, in itself, is the most important lesson.

having no hope or faith in something you know to be true should not stop you from believing in it. take the emotion out, take the questions out, and add in the facts and just do it. whatever it is.

for instance ~

1. if i practice, will i get better?

excuse me? will you get better if you don't practice?

no, but what if i work and work and still fail as a singer?

then you will have gained a beautiful work ethic and have given yourself the gift of music every day. and you will be a better singer than when you started. no doubt.

2. if i work out, will i lose weight?

if you don't work out, will you lose weight?

no, but what if i work out every day and still hate my body?

let's see. your mood will be lifted from working out, your energy will be higher, your skin will look brighter and you will have reached a goal of sticking with working out and you will feel successful. who cares about your body when you're happy, energetic, bright and successful? those are much hotter attributes. just ask any guy.

okay, nuff said. i convinced myself. off to the gym.