woke up this morning to the wind howling outside my window. it sent a shiver down my spine and even though october was rainy, we had such gorgeous and vibrant leaves on the trees. i looked out my window this morning and the red leaves on the tree that made my porch so beautiful are GONE, leaving a sad little "charlie brown" tree.

within one night of blowing wind.

how quickly things change.

well, i'm sure those leaves were falling one leaf at a time, over the last few weeks. i know they were because i walked through them on my way to the gym, enjoying the crunch underneath my feet. but it didn't occur to me that the fun i was having walking through those leaves, would eventually mean no leaves on the tree. DUH!

obviously, there's some symbolism going on here. to be honest, i think i've been spending the last few years in utter shock that i am where i am in life: how old i am, who i am, what i am. it's like i can't grab hold of reality. i never thought i would be this person. and i can't really describe to you, intelligently, what parts are so baffling to me, but i'm definitely baffled. anyone else feel this way?

my friend calls it the "princess crisis". hmm. well, i never thought i was going to be a princess, that's for sure. and there are some things i knew i wanted to be that i am. i always wanted to remain close to God. check. i always wanted to be a singer of any and every type of music. check. i wanted to be inspiring to others. well, ask my students. i think i'm inspiring sometimes. maybe?

but a lot of stuff didn't happen the way i planned. i did think i would be married by now. and probably have a couple kids, a house, a dog i can't stand the smell of, more money than this, etc. you know, a normal life. but what was i thinking? i've never been normal! my boyfriend says that he wants an abnormal life. and whether i wanted it or not, i have one, that's for sure. i'm single at 36, no kids (lost the interest a long time ago), still live in an apartment, i don't have a real job but i work all the time, i'm a professional singer in a small city in the midwest. that's a little different than the dreams of paris opera i had when i was 25. i have a 24-year old boyfriend who is a choral conductor. HUH? that is definitely not what i expected!!! i work when everyone else is watching their evening tv shows and am off when everyone else is at the office. take this morning ~ i'm still in my jammies, drinking coffee and blogging. it's noon on a friday. this is definitely abnormal.

i think when God gives you the gift of an abnormal life, no matter how unexpected it is to you, you have to do something with that gift. to whom much is given, much is required, right? well, i'm either going to do something impressive, like write a book or start a dessert biz. or i'm going to do something really great. i'm going to enjoy every minute of it.

THE HUNKERING
Donald Hall
(b. 1928)

In October the red leaves going brown heap and scatter
over hayfield and dirt road, over garden and circular driveway,

and rise in a curl of wind disheveled as schoolchildren
at recess, classes just starting and summer done, winter’s

white quiet beginning in ice on the windshield, in hard frost
that only blue asters survive, and in the long houses that once

more tighten themselves for darkness and hunker down.

this is the view from the patio of my cute little apartment. the orange and yellow from the trees blankets my entire living room with a beautiful, golden glow. it's really a stunning view. and this is supposed to be me roughing it? ha!

i moved here to "downsize" ~ a word that has become quite sexy during the recession. i dropped my cable, got rid of my tv, moved to a smaller, cheaper apartment, with cheaper electricity bills, dropped my home phone, and stopped almost all extra spending. but roughing it? i think not. in fact, my life became much more luxurious with the removal of these things.

the cable/tv?

my place is so serene without the buzz of that time-stealer. i read, knit, cook, play the piano, blog ~ and all in the peace and quiet of my little resort. time just expanded.

home phone?

please. who ever missed the constant telemarketing calls?

extra spending?

it's become a hobby to see how many frugal choices i can make during the week. i live on a set amount and when i go over, i don't spend any money until i'm even again. and when i do buy cilantro, you better believe i use every leaf! i cherish everything so much more now. i'm never going back to my old ways of quantity and thoughtless spending. i'm sure i'll have occasional moments of i-have-to-have-those-suede-boots. but that's balance, right?

right.

the little things

why is it the little things that make us instantly happy? or instantly crazy?

i spot cleaned my carpets last night and felt like a new person. my cold even went away temporarily. hmmm? then i put up my curtains in my bedroom ~ something i'd been meaning to do since i moved in. can't stop looking at them. they softened and warmed up the whole room. it's as if i found a cure for cancer or something.

and that same ability to feel renewed by such simple things can work in the opposite fashion. my mom and i were on the phone this morning, and we both decided to look at my ex-husband's website for a little morning entertainment. laughing at each stupid picture of him, until we got to pictures of he and his girlfriend. i don't care that he has a girlfriend (i hear she's going to be his baby mama too), but what instantly brought me from my curtain heaven was that it's the same girl he was knoodling with when he left me.

so, why would that even matter to me? why does any of it matter? and why would i want to see his nasty website? my wise friend becky called me pandora, which is making me laugh as i write this. so true!! we are all pandora from time to time, aren't we?

at first, all i could think was, "stupid, stupid, stupid!" how could i subject myself to feeling anything but wonderful, when my life is SO wonderful without said ex-crazymaker. but then again, do we inadvertently open pandora's box so that we will appreciate what we have now? sometimes it's opened for us and we are forced to stare down into that dark, sinister hole. as our eyes adjust, we start pushing through all the demons and dragons we placed in there from our past. we get to the bottom of the box, and past all the pain, we find a mirror. a reflection of our beautiful lives at the present.

suddenly, my tiny, cramped apartment with the adorable curtains is a sanctuary. a symbol of peace, independence, freedom, regaining of my true self.

maybe i've been too personal and inappropriate in this blog. i don't care. i'm so happy to be a human being and to be alive, with deep feelings of joy and pain. and all triggered by such little things.

JUST ADD LOVE

WARNING:

all vegetarians reading this blog should avert their eyes.  this is the most glorious display of beef, bacon and broth i have seen in a long time.  okay, and some vegetables.  

i had to tape my boyfriend's hands to the table to get this picture taken, before he devoured two plates of it.  (not really)

has everyone seen the movie "julie and julia" yet?  a must-see, especially if you are an artistic person.  the joie de vivre that julia child possesses, and meryl streep depicts perfectly, is awe-inspiring.  i didn't realize what a passion-obsessed person she was.  she's my new hero!

anyway, there is this adorable scene where julie makes beef bourguignon in her dutch oven.  i have always wanted a dutch oven but they are like $100.  so i curtailed my need.  until i saw this movie.  when i watched her make that meal in her red le crueset pot, i HAD to have one.  so my mom bought me one for my birthday!!!  love you, mom!!!  and this picture is the beef bourguignon i proudly made in my new red dutch oven!!!

anyone snoozing yet?  well tough.  i digress.  but i am in love with this dutch oven, and with this showcase of beef, bacon, mushrooms, a whole bottle of cote du rhone, brussels sprouts, pearl onions, and don't forget the cognac that you set on fire halfway through the cooking process. YESSS!! or OUI!!!  making this dish was a joy, and eating it was pure heaven.  

the thing i love about cooking is the same thing i love about singing classical music:  this meal has been enjoyed for hundreds of years.  by frenchmen, francophiles, beef lovers, and julia child lovers.  i didn't stray from the recipe (this one is an ina garten recipe) one bit.  except adding the brussels sprouts.  that was my addition.  but i didn't do anything original.  i just followed the recipe slowly and didn't screw up.  i enjoyed myself and added love and patience.  and when my boyfriend and i sat down to eat this meal, i got ALL the credit.  

singing, to me, is almost the same thing.  bach perfected the art of music by writing "jauchzet gott in allen den herrn" and all i do is endeavor to sing all the right notes.  if i didn't even add dynamics and warmth to the sound (salt and pepper, if you will), it would still be a masterpiece.  but add love and patience and the human quality (which might also include flaws), and the audience gives you all the credit.  shouldn't.  but usually does.  

this is such a lesson for me, and i hope for anyone who is reading this.  just add love.

i listened to some recordings of myself this morning and was horrified.  i hate my flaws.  i hate the sound of my voice and the mistakes and issues that i have never managed to correct over the years.  and i am sort of giving up at this stage of the game.  i'm just going to add love from now on and see where it gets me...