went to jose peppers last night with my fabulous BFF becky, a really sweet guy named nick, and my hubba bubba, mr. wonderful. i ate more chips, queso and salsa than a petite girl should ever be allowed, and drank TWO margaritas. feeling such utter remorse this morning. haven't worked out all week, just feel like i can never change and stick with anything new. i worked out for two weeks, about as long as i stick with a workout, and i immediately saw the difference in my body. isn't that a gift from God, to see the difference that quickly? and then i stopped because i wasn't feeling well for just one day. then the next day, i really wanted to get some stuff done in the morning, and i did, but by the third day of the week, i just didn't wanna work out. here it is, thursday, and self-loathing has me frozen on the couch.
in a little under 3 months, i will be going to a wedding in the dominican republic, and all my friends from high school will be there. it will be like a reunion, only i will go to that reunion in a swim suit. this cruel and unusual punishment and i am terrified. and i happen to know that all these people have been working out and have had trainers and have run marathons all this time. they're all doctors, they all have money, and they all are into working out. and they all love me and are not judgmental people. but i really don't want to show up looking like i look right now.
but this pressure just makes we want to run and hide. it doesn't feel like a challenge to me. it feels like a sentence. a countdown until i find out that i've, once again, failed.
when i got engaged, i had 8 or 9 months to work out, lose weight, and get in shape for the wedding. i did work out for quite a few months and i loved achieving that life-long goal of sticking to a daily routine. i never lost a pound, but i was feeling good. then i got really sick and lost my voice and all my energy. i was in bed for more than a week and lost 8 pounds just because i wasn't eating or drinking.
here i am, on the other side of the wedding, just wondering how to live THIS delicious life of breakfast with friends, wine with my hubby, margaritas with the girls, and let's not forget my LOVE for cooking. i don't want to be the person who is sitting there with a water and saying, "i can't. it's not on my diet."
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Sunday, September 04, 2011
geez, i'm a bloggin' fool lately. it's so incredibly therapeutic for me. i read the pioneer woman and smitten kitchen blogs and they are like works of art. not really doing this, though, to be artistic. i'm doing this to keep balanced, remind myself of the stuff that really matters, and share it with anyone who might be on the same path.
all my friends, pretty much all, are singers. becky, amy, sylvia, denise, sharon, toni, lindsey, lindsay, kristee, ida, and there are more ~ these gorgeous women, who might hate that i just named them, are all on a generally similar path as me. juggling real life with artistic life. trying to be GREAT at both. i don't think any of these women ever want to be in the dark about anything. they are not content with stones left unturned or excelling at one thing and not another. in their maturity they may have taught themselves to say they're okay with it. but deep down, they're not.
excluding my mom, who just pretty much loves anything i write (if she could love a baby with a unibrow, it's not hard to love from there on out), these women are interested in singer talk. so why do i never talk singer talk on here?
just trying it on for size.
performance friday night. so moving. such beautiful women and friends up there, singing their hearts out, for the money? well, maybe "time IS money". but i would have made the same money if i had left my heart and soul at home. and you look out there at the audience, in topeka, kansas, and you think, "these people live in the capitol city of a state in the middle of nowhere. they've come to a concert on labor day weekend. they could have gone to the movies or stayed at home and grilled out. but they chose this. they deserve something special. and my colleagues deserve my 100% best as well.
anyway, we did it. and it felt so great. these are emotions i feel all the time because i sing all the time. so it's hard to really talk about them because they are just everyday normal emotions for singers. the nerves, the self-deprecation, the worry, the trying to let it go, the elation when it's over, yada yada. and then usually the review, or the audience comments, like, "how does that big sound come out of that little body?" or "i couldn't hear you. they should have miked you." and i will receive those contrasting comments from audience members at the same concert!
do all singers need therapy?
i think so...
all my friends, pretty much all, are singers. becky, amy, sylvia, denise, sharon, toni, lindsey, lindsay, kristee, ida, and there are more ~ these gorgeous women, who might hate that i just named them, are all on a generally similar path as me. juggling real life with artistic life. trying to be GREAT at both. i don't think any of these women ever want to be in the dark about anything. they are not content with stones left unturned or excelling at one thing and not another. in their maturity they may have taught themselves to say they're okay with it. but deep down, they're not.
excluding my mom, who just pretty much loves anything i write (if she could love a baby with a unibrow, it's not hard to love from there on out), these women are interested in singer talk. so why do i never talk singer talk on here?
just trying it on for size.
performance friday night. so moving. such beautiful women and friends up there, singing their hearts out, for the money? well, maybe "time IS money". but i would have made the same money if i had left my heart and soul at home. and you look out there at the audience, in topeka, kansas, and you think, "these people live in the capitol city of a state in the middle of nowhere. they've come to a concert on labor day weekend. they could have gone to the movies or stayed at home and grilled out. but they chose this. they deserve something special. and my colleagues deserve my 100% best as well.
anyway, we did it. and it felt so great. these are emotions i feel all the time because i sing all the time. so it's hard to really talk about them because they are just everyday normal emotions for singers. the nerves, the self-deprecation, the worry, the trying to let it go, the elation when it's over, yada yada. and then usually the review, or the audience comments, like, "how does that big sound come out of that little body?" or "i couldn't hear you. they should have miked you." and i will receive those contrasting comments from audience members at the same concert!
do all singers need therapy?
i think so...
Friday, September 02, 2011
have you ever just craved an hour of downtime? just an hour with a good book, a cup of tea (and when i say tea, i really mean a glass of wine, but you get the idea), an hour on the couch, just hanging out?
i just now had an hour to do that, and honestly, i found out that you really only need 20 minutes of that to feel like a million bucks. in fact, after about 15 minutes, i started to look at the clock. so, don't we all have 20 minutes to just sit and reflect? i didn't even reflect ~ i read real simple magazine. i tore out some cute fall clothes ideas. i had the tv off, no music, i was even drinking plain ole water. just 15 or 20 minutes is really all it takes.
i didn't really know this because i used to always turn on the tv when i wanted to relax. in fact, i tried to turn the tv on just now, but the remote was acting up and i gave up on it. (how lazy can a girl be?) but i think i knew it was the wrong thing to do. see, it's totally okay to have a little tv downtime. it's fine! but, one thing i have definitely learned is that it takes a LOT more time in front of that tv to regroup and reset, if that's what you're looking for, than it does if you're reading or blogging, or just looking out the window.
in my recent experience, 15 minutes with a book or magazine is equal to an hour of tv. and at the end of that hour, i'm cranky about having to turn it off. i always want more. when i emerge from a reading session, i definitely want more reading, but feel like i really treated myself as well.
this is all coming from a die-hard, completely addicted tv lover. i grew up during the best sitcom era ever ~ the cosby show, laverne and shirley, the brady bunch, the carol burnett show. i will always love tv because of those shows. i have an occasional show that i'm just in love with right now, but i'm learning how to turn the tv off, after i've watched my beloved show, rather than just letting the tv run all night.
i have absolutely no judgment about this subject. it's all a case-by-case basis. it's like having a coffee or tea preference. but the joy and peace i just felt after only a few minutes spent in silence, just had to be shared.
i have a performance tonight, and i feel totally rested and ready to conquer the stress that comes with this very strange vocation i've found myself in.
i just now had an hour to do that, and honestly, i found out that you really only need 20 minutes of that to feel like a million bucks. in fact, after about 15 minutes, i started to look at the clock. so, don't we all have 20 minutes to just sit and reflect? i didn't even reflect ~ i read real simple magazine. i tore out some cute fall clothes ideas. i had the tv off, no music, i was even drinking plain ole water. just 15 or 20 minutes is really all it takes.
i didn't really know this because i used to always turn on the tv when i wanted to relax. in fact, i tried to turn the tv on just now, but the remote was acting up and i gave up on it. (how lazy can a girl be?) but i think i knew it was the wrong thing to do. see, it's totally okay to have a little tv downtime. it's fine! but, one thing i have definitely learned is that it takes a LOT more time in front of that tv to regroup and reset, if that's what you're looking for, than it does if you're reading or blogging, or just looking out the window.
in my recent experience, 15 minutes with a book or magazine is equal to an hour of tv. and at the end of that hour, i'm cranky about having to turn it off. i always want more. when i emerge from a reading session, i definitely want more reading, but feel like i really treated myself as well.
this is all coming from a die-hard, completely addicted tv lover. i grew up during the best sitcom era ever ~ the cosby show, laverne and shirley, the brady bunch, the carol burnett show. i will always love tv because of those shows. i have an occasional show that i'm just in love with right now, but i'm learning how to turn the tv off, after i've watched my beloved show, rather than just letting the tv run all night.
i have absolutely no judgment about this subject. it's all a case-by-case basis. it's like having a coffee or tea preference. but the joy and peace i just felt after only a few minutes spent in silence, just had to be shared.
i have a performance tonight, and i feel totally rested and ready to conquer the stress that comes with this very strange vocation i've found myself in.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
i'm doing a presentation on jane austen's music at the end of september. she had a book of piano/vocal music that she transcribed herself. it, of course, is in a museum in england, but i'm just looking for a printed version of the music, which is all unknown songs written by mostly anonymous composers.
i'm having the hardest time finding the music and am wondering if maybe i'm in trouble. there's a CD of the music, which means there has to be a copy of the music out there. i just thought that in this day and age, you could google anything.
apparently you can't.
how amazing is it that jane austen had to hand-write this music, probably because that was the only way she could have it? and how ironic that i might actually have to do the same thing?
she had a slight advantage: she didn't teach 30 students and have several performances a month. did she even do her own laundry?
but when i was a kid, we didn't have internet and i didn't know how to buy music that wasn't in our tiny music store in jefferson city, missouri. some music i even learned by recording it from the radio to a cassette tape, listening to it over and over, and learning it by ear. and we're talking violin music. i learned a movement from a paganini concerto that way! in fact, i know it's paganini, but i honestly don't know what the name of the piece is, because i've never seen the music. isn't that BACKWOODS and depressing? but impressive at the same time? ha! that's me.
sometimes i listen to "from the top" on NPR, which showcases young performers all over the nation. it's so amazing and exciting to hear these young people just tear it up on their instruments. but at the same time, i feel jealous. if i had had the opportunity, the money for a teacher, the money for a good instrument, a freakin' music store that carried more than neil diamond songbooks, what would have happened to me?
i'm having the hardest time finding the music and am wondering if maybe i'm in trouble. there's a CD of the music, which means there has to be a copy of the music out there. i just thought that in this day and age, you could google anything.
apparently you can't.
how amazing is it that jane austen had to hand-write this music, probably because that was the only way she could have it? and how ironic that i might actually have to do the same thing?
she had a slight advantage: she didn't teach 30 students and have several performances a month. did she even do her own laundry?
but when i was a kid, we didn't have internet and i didn't know how to buy music that wasn't in our tiny music store in jefferson city, missouri. some music i even learned by recording it from the radio to a cassette tape, listening to it over and over, and learning it by ear. and we're talking violin music. i learned a movement from a paganini concerto that way! in fact, i know it's paganini, but i honestly don't know what the name of the piece is, because i've never seen the music. isn't that BACKWOODS and depressing? but impressive at the same time? ha! that's me.
sometimes i listen to "from the top" on NPR, which showcases young performers all over the nation. it's so amazing and exciting to hear these young people just tear it up on their instruments. but at the same time, i feel jealous. if i had had the opportunity, the money for a teacher, the money for a good instrument, a freakin' music store that carried more than neil diamond songbooks, what would have happened to me?
Monday, August 29, 2011
monday. ugh. why do i dread thee, oh monday? it's not my job. i actually like my job. but i'm never ready to go to work. i always have a hundred things i thought i was going to get done over the weekend, and here we are, monday morning, and i have a to-do list a mile long.
i HATE my to-do lists. they are so schizophrenic. (i spelled that correctly the first time!!!! i'm a genius!!!)
here is an excerpt from said to-do list:
1. compete in a spelling bee, cuz i knows how to spell schizophrenic.
just kidding. here it is.
1. apply for passport ~ so i can sing in a wedding on a resort in the dominican republic. how amazing is that? but not amazing if i don't get to go because i didn't get my passport in time. hmmm...
2. pay target bill. but first ~ do budget to make sure there is actually money in the bank to pay the target bill.
3. dry cleaning.
4. apply for NATS (a voice teacher organization that sounds heinous, and will probably send me magazines on vocal pedagogy, which will make me feel inferior as a voice teacher. but my school is making me do it. blurgh.)
5. memorize an entire concert of music, to be performed on FRIDAY? uh, hello? i should be doing only that all day long, with every spare moment of my time.
6. write thank you notes and try to send them some time in the same century as wedding.
guys, this is heavy stuff. and there are 22 items on this crazy to-do list. i think i'm better off just not making a list. but it's so full because i keep FORGETTING to do any of this stuff.
i know, i know. i always complain about my to-do list. i can't help it! it's a thorn in my side. my goal is to get so much done on it, hopefully all of it, by the end of the day, so that tomorrow's blog will sound like this...
omg, totally got all my stuff done yesterday. now i can practice and work out and read jane austen books and eat bon bons. i rock.
we'll see....
i HATE my to-do lists. they are so schizophrenic. (i spelled that correctly the first time!!!! i'm a genius!!!)
here is an excerpt from said to-do list:
1. compete in a spelling bee, cuz i knows how to spell schizophrenic.
just kidding. here it is.
1. apply for passport ~ so i can sing in a wedding on a resort in the dominican republic. how amazing is that? but not amazing if i don't get to go because i didn't get my passport in time. hmmm...
2. pay target bill. but first ~ do budget to make sure there is actually money in the bank to pay the target bill.
3. dry cleaning.
4. apply for NATS (a voice teacher organization that sounds heinous, and will probably send me magazines on vocal pedagogy, which will make me feel inferior as a voice teacher. but my school is making me do it. blurgh.)
5. memorize an entire concert of music, to be performed on FRIDAY? uh, hello? i should be doing only that all day long, with every spare moment of my time.
6. write thank you notes and try to send them some time in the same century as wedding.
guys, this is heavy stuff. and there are 22 items on this crazy to-do list. i think i'm better off just not making a list. but it's so full because i keep FORGETTING to do any of this stuff.
i know, i know. i always complain about my to-do list. i can't help it! it's a thorn in my side. my goal is to get so much done on it, hopefully all of it, by the end of the day, so that tomorrow's blog will sound like this...
omg, totally got all my stuff done yesterday. now i can practice and work out and read jane austen books and eat bon bons. i rock.
we'll see....
Sunday, August 28, 2011
i have this awesome new (in the last year) friend named lindsey. there's a wonderful lindsAy in my life, and now a wonderful lindsEy. anywho ~ she gave me a jar of, get this y'all, homemade raspberry jalapeno preserves. OMG. are there two words more beautiful than raspberry and jalapeno? i like those words better than peanut butter and chocolate!!!
so last night, i made salad dressing with it. and here's what i did:
in a blender (because i don't believe in whisking on saturdays)
dijon or stone ground mustard. or both!
one clove garlic
a little shallot (if you've got it)
juice of one lemon or lime, but i used lemon
salt and LOTS of pepper
a couple tablespoons of vinegar (white wine or champagne. apple cider would be good too)
a few tablespoons of delish raspberry jalapeno preserves. (i'm so sorry you have to buy yours at a grocery store. and i'm not sharing mine with you!)
blend all that together and stream in some olive oil. that's it!
this is always how i make my salad dressing. give or take a few ingredients. but it is to die for!! my salad had red onion, watermelon, basil and spring lettuce mix. it was so light and wonderful, and went really well with the whiskey and peach bbq chicken i made.
thought i'd mention that, just in case you were thinking i'm a health nut and only had salad for dinner.
so last night, i made salad dressing with it. and here's what i did:
in a blender (because i don't believe in whisking on saturdays)
dijon or stone ground mustard. or both!
one clove garlic
a little shallot (if you've got it)
juice of one lemon or lime, but i used lemon
salt and LOTS of pepper
a couple tablespoons of vinegar (white wine or champagne. apple cider would be good too)
a few tablespoons of delish raspberry jalapeno preserves. (i'm so sorry you have to buy yours at a grocery store. and i'm not sharing mine with you!)
blend all that together and stream in some olive oil. that's it!
this is always how i make my salad dressing. give or take a few ingredients. but it is to die for!! my salad had red onion, watermelon, basil and spring lettuce mix. it was so light and wonderful, and went really well with the whiskey and peach bbq chicken i made.
thought i'd mention that, just in case you were thinking i'm a health nut and only had salad for dinner.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
i recently had an e-mail discussion (is that like having a pen pal a la 2011?) with a great and wonderful friend of mine, who told me to start blogging again. i was telling her that i thought my useless drivel wasn't really interesting to anyone, namely me. well, i still think that's true, which is why she told me to start writing again. i guess we need to journal or blog to find out why we feel the things we feel, and reading other people's blogs is comforting (and entertaining, maybe) because we find out we're not alone in this strange race to the end.
so here goes.
fall is on its way. i feel like i write this every year, but this is my absolute favorite time of year. i thrive in the fall. i love the weather, the food, the fashion, the brand new structure of school. i love it all.
and i particularly love this fall, because i have so many exciting performances coming up, and a slightly less-crazed teaching schedule. this will mean less money, but, and here's the best part ~
i'm not alone anymore!!! i have a husband to share the burden of bill paying!!! woot woot!!! turns out, you don't NEED to marry rich to feel the release of financial hardship!!! isn't that wonderful to know? so ladies, hold out for the one. you know ~ the guy who makes your toes tingle every time he looks at you. the one you shallowly practice writing and saying his last name after your first name. marry the impractical choice! because no matter how much money he makes, it's still more than just your salary.
unless he's a bum and doesn't work. then run.
you say, "duh. everyone knows that, dummy." and it's not like i was looking for a rich guy. i really wasn't. but i never knew the financial freedom of two incomes. there was that other marriage, but it really doesn't count. too dysfunctional to to count.
well, i guess it also helps that my man has a real job.
definition of a "real job":
a job that has a direct deposit of a set amount every two weeks or at the end of every month.
a job that, if your client forgets to show up, you are not out that money you would have been making, if they had remembered their blankety-blank appointment. (in my case, voice lesson. why is it so hard for people to remember a lesson that is at the same time every single week?)
a job that offers luxurious perks like ~ health insurance ~ ooooooh. (by the way, doesn't everyone deserve health insurance? doesn't your plumber or piano tuner, who are most likely self-employed, deserve health care?)
anyway, i have never had a job like that. so i tend to put my hubby up on a golden pedestal.
this morning, i made ratatouille. ratatouille with a twist, that is. i saw this awesome french chef do this and i thought it looked awesome.
you take all the veggies in your fridge and saute them in a dutch oven. then you add marinara sauce and let it all bubble until, well, until you can't wait anymore to eat it. then you take a serving of it and put it in an oven-safe dish, and crack two eggs on top of it. broil it until the eggs are done to your liking (i like a little tiny bit of runny, but not too much), and add fresh basil and parm, if you'd got that.
it is insanely good, and i feel so good having just eaten an entire garden of delicious veggies. and some protein on the top. i feel like i can conquer my day off!!!
what to do with all this energy now?
hmmm...
nap?
so here goes.
fall is on its way. i feel like i write this every year, but this is my absolute favorite time of year. i thrive in the fall. i love the weather, the food, the fashion, the brand new structure of school. i love it all.
and i particularly love this fall, because i have so many exciting performances coming up, and a slightly less-crazed teaching schedule. this will mean less money, but, and here's the best part ~
i'm not alone anymore!!! i have a husband to share the burden of bill paying!!! woot woot!!! turns out, you don't NEED to marry rich to feel the release of financial hardship!!! isn't that wonderful to know? so ladies, hold out for the one. you know ~ the guy who makes your toes tingle every time he looks at you. the one you shallowly practice writing and saying his last name after your first name. marry the impractical choice! because no matter how much money he makes, it's still more than just your salary.
unless he's a bum and doesn't work. then run.
you say, "duh. everyone knows that, dummy." and it's not like i was looking for a rich guy. i really wasn't. but i never knew the financial freedom of two incomes. there was that other marriage, but it really doesn't count. too dysfunctional to to count.
well, i guess it also helps that my man has a real job.
definition of a "real job":
a job that has a direct deposit of a set amount every two weeks or at the end of every month.
a job that, if your client forgets to show up, you are not out that money you would have been making, if they had remembered their blankety-blank appointment. (in my case, voice lesson. why is it so hard for people to remember a lesson that is at the same time every single week?)
a job that offers luxurious perks like ~ health insurance ~ ooooooh. (by the way, doesn't everyone deserve health insurance? doesn't your plumber or piano tuner, who are most likely self-employed, deserve health care?)
anyway, i have never had a job like that. so i tend to put my hubby up on a golden pedestal.
this morning, i made ratatouille. ratatouille with a twist, that is. i saw this awesome french chef do this and i thought it looked awesome.
you take all the veggies in your fridge and saute them in a dutch oven. then you add marinara sauce and let it all bubble until, well, until you can't wait anymore to eat it. then you take a serving of it and put it in an oven-safe dish, and crack two eggs on top of it. broil it until the eggs are done to your liking (i like a little tiny bit of runny, but not too much), and add fresh basil and parm, if you'd got that.
it is insanely good, and i feel so good having just eaten an entire garden of delicious veggies. and some protein on the top. i feel like i can conquer my day off!!!
what to do with all this energy now?
hmmm...
nap?
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