went to jose peppers last night with my fabulous BFF becky, a really sweet guy named nick, and my hubba bubba, mr. wonderful. i ate more chips, queso and salsa than a petite girl should ever be allowed, and drank TWO margaritas. feeling such utter remorse this morning. haven't worked out all week, just feel like i can never change and stick with anything new. i worked out for two weeks, about as long as i stick with a workout, and i immediately saw the difference in my body. isn't that a gift from God, to see the difference that quickly? and then i stopped because i wasn't feeling well for just one day. then the next day, i really wanted to get some stuff done in the morning, and i did, but by the third day of the week, i just didn't wanna work out. here it is, thursday, and self-loathing has me frozen on the couch.

in a little under 3 months, i will be going to a wedding in the dominican republic, and all my friends from high school will be there. it will be like a reunion, only i will go to that reunion in a swim suit. this cruel and unusual punishment and i am terrified. and i happen to know that all these people have been working out and have had trainers and have run marathons all this time. they're all doctors, they all have money, and they all are into working out. and they all love me and are not judgmental people. but i really don't want to show up looking like i look right now.

but this pressure just makes we want to run and hide. it doesn't feel like a challenge to me. it feels like a sentence. a countdown until i find out that i've, once again, failed.

when i got engaged, i had 8 or 9 months to work out, lose weight, and get in shape for the wedding. i did work out for quite a few months and i loved achieving that life-long goal of sticking to a daily routine. i never lost a pound, but i was feeling good. then i got really sick and lost my voice and all my energy. i was in bed for more than a week and lost 8 pounds just because i wasn't eating or drinking.

here i am, on the other side of the wedding, just wondering how to live THIS delicious life of breakfast with friends, wine with my hubby, margaritas with the girls, and let's not forget my LOVE for cooking. i don't want to be the person who is sitting there with a water and saying, "i can't. it's not on my diet."