monday morning, again...

i have so much to say, but don't feel like it's appropriate, or interesting, to talk about on a blog. what should a person talk about on a blog? do people like hearing about me, me, me all the time? i seriously doubt that the goings-on in my heart and in my life are that interesting of a read. but maybe i should give it a try. tell the whole story.

i woke up this morning feeling heavy. one whole side of my brain is pounding. thrilled that this week is an easy week. no performances until friday!!! and that one's a doozy, but, and i hope anyone who reads this blog is not hurt by what i'm about to say, i am not practicing the music. at all. i cannot. i may open it up before i go to oklahoma. i may not. i probably will not. i need to claim my life back. need to workout, need to clean my kitchen, need to enjoy what's left of the beautiful fall, need normalcy. music has had my life by the tail since day 1. i'm glad about that, but it's too much. i'm burnt crisp.

huhhhhh...

moving on...

drinking a delicious cappuccino, which i made with my wonderful espresso machine that was put away in a cabinet. for the last several months, i have chosen drip coffee for the sheer volume it can make. but this morning, i wanted one delicious, perfect, european coffee. will probably go back for a 2nd.

i have tons to do for the wedding. that's next on the list. the wedding does not stress me out, though. it's a fun to-do list. i can hardly wait to get married. marriage will change a lot of things. my schedule is going to get a lot easier. i will be teaching at william jewell, making less money than i am now, but leaving every evening and going home to my place ~ OUR place ~ with no prospects of students invading my home. i will be done earlier in the evening and will get to have real evenings for the first time in years. working 10-6 will be amazing, so maybe then i can handle the performing schedule with a little more grace.

the last thing on my mind this morning is the one that is making me heavy. the holidays. i have been very excited for them, until recently. now i'm just worried about them. i know everyone has an idyllic holiday picture in mind, right? and every person's picture involves food. we know that much. i'm probably no different than most people in saying that mine involves a lot of rest and relaxation. a lot of fun holiday movies, food, wine, lying around. i want to be where i am surrounded by people who make me feel totally comfortable. i can be silly, laugh too loudly, cry if i feel sad about missing my dad, be lazy, and really communicate with the people around me.

i want to bring my whole and complete self to the table. and i want my family to be that group of people. but are they?

can anyone do that with family? is it rude to bring your whole self to the table if you know your whole self doesn't fit in quite as well as the 1/4 self that you usually choose?

does everyone feel this way? if so, why are we doing this to ourselves? family is number 1 ~ we should be ourselves around our families. that sounds so silly! but is anyone actually comfortable around family? my family is wonderful. they each have such strengths and such strong personalities. it could be a powerful meeting of the minds, but most times, it's awkward. why?

well, i know one thing: i am armed with incredible holiday recipes. i am making gluehwein for a hot drink, and wherever i am on thanksgiving, there will be a creamy pumpkin soup or butternut squash soup. and i think i need to break out the pecan pixy pies again.

so now that it is 8:40am, i've drunk my cappuccino and now have emptied my thoughts onto my blog, i will now go work out for the first time in weeks. i am determined to work out every single week until the big wedding day. my arms WILL be wedding dress fabulous. very important!

okay, that wasn't so hard. i don't feel so heavy now.