haven't been on here in a long time. there's just so much going on and i feel drained from any thoughtfulness, which, to me, is a sin. one shouldn't push herself so hard that she becomes vapid and void of thought. that's me, alright.

tonight, i had a mild nervous breakdown. i hate it when people use that term loosely, but i use it in all honesty. on the richter scale? i guess just a 2. but i don't ever want to feel like this again.

the question going round and round in my mind is: do i throw it all out and start over? or do i merely eliminate the parts that push me too far? i have many friends chiding me for never being able to say no. honestly, i do say no. but i want to be a singer and need to take all the gigs that make being a singer financially possible for me. if i could JUST sing, my schedule would still be stressful. add on everything else, and you've got a full-blown panic attack waiting to happen. i'm not a good friend anymore. i can't be counted on. my poor fiance probably thinks i've lost my mind.

I HAVE!!!

i don't know how to turn things around. everyone else has such stoic answers. it's easy for them to flippantly give blockbuster movie catch phrases and tell me to tell them where to go. but this is a lot harder than that. z-snap remarks are not the answer.

tomorrow is november 1st and i am so looking forward to the holidays. i want to spend at least some of them in my apartment, baking cookies, cooking big fat turkeys, knitting, sewing and watching movies with sam. i want everyone to just be quiet and let me think and feel and breathe and move and just be.

god i miss my dad.