just when you are about to veer off the right road and end up in the woods, something, Someone, guides you back. two concerts this week, both brilliant and beautiful music. my cup is full and i can't imagine my life without this amazing love. and just days ago, i felt like giving up on music entirely.
but i'm not going to question my sanity. i think anyone with a schedule this harried and this much music to learn would get a little crazy about it. it's a love/hate relationship, like most relationships.
today is the children's concert and final rehearsal of a world premiere i am singing with the kc chamber orchestra. the music is absolutely beautiful and intriguing and, most of all, passionate to the nth degree. i want it to sound effortless and almost improvisatory. i'm not there yet, that's for sure. not even close. but i really hope the recording turns out great, so i can secretly send it to every little orchestra or chamber group i know and beg them to play it, just so i can sing it again! i want to record it too. it's one of those works that, i think, people will be humming the next day. i can't get the melodies out of my head, personally.
and then i sing elijah this weekend. the words are so strong, so demanding that you turn to God and trust nothing else. a student recently came to her lesson, after having received a 2 rating at state contest, and she said, "my whole goal in life was to get a 1 every year at state." and i told that sort of goal was so beneath her. i sent her away with one task: to find a new and loftier goal. i told her to write about it and spend some time thinking about it. i sincerely hope she comes in next week with a new goal and learns the healing of journaling in the process.
and then i thought, "what is my goal?" what is my goal in life? what is my goal today? to sing everything correctly? to please the composer, who will be there? to just do my job? to make people in the audience cry or laugh or feel anything? to tell a story?
all of the above.
unfortunately.
they're all good goals, but too many. i guess i just need to go a little higher and focus on one: to honor God, and give my voice back to the One who gave it to me in the first place.
my own personal experiences have shown that if you think of just that, all those other goals will be possible.