me, myself and i

i have neglected my closest friend, and enemy. myself. i have put her last on every to-do list compiled. i have stopped working out, stopped looking in the mirror, stopped feeling romantic, stopped journaling, stopped treating my body right, stopped eating right, stopped enjoying each moment.

until today? maybe? please? God? help?

although i am still exhausted from the last two imbalanced weeks of rehearsals, lessons, performances, taco bell runs, coffee binges, and tremendous vocal abuse, and feel like doing nothing but lying in bed under 5 blankets, with an old movie, i am going to attempt to make a change today. i need to go back to the workout girl i was in january! the 64 ounces of water girl, who drank her vemma every morning and felt no hesitation in getting out there and moving. right now ~ i feel like i am super-glued to this stupid chair in front of my computer. agh! maybe i should go back to bed. what? why do we think such ridiculous things?

i am reading an amazing book about how journaling can clear your mind, so that you can accomplish great things in your day. we all have known this forever, but the angle she puts on it is new to me. she suggests that you write morning pages every day ~ three pages of every little thought that comes to your head. no judgment. no attempt at being profound. just three pages. it clears your mind and helps you solve problems that block you. problems you didn't even know you had that keep you from being healthy. and if you do that ~ you will be able to stop blocking your emotions with food, because we totally do that, and will be able to unglue yourself from your stupid chair and go exercise already.

but her idea of exercise has everything to do with releasing your creative juices and your best self. NOT exercising for the sole purpose of being hot. that is merely a by-product, which actually comes from the creative juices thing, not the perfect dimensions thing.

this is awesome ~ i respond greatly to this type of thinking, because i have a hard time working out every day if it is only for the purpose of me looking good. don't get me wrong ~ i am vain. i want to look great in a bikini. i want every cocktail dress in my closet to zip up all the way. and they don't right now. in fact, only one does.

my sad admission is this: i feel like losing 10 lbs is almost impossible and i have a very, very long way to go, even though it's only 10 lbs. but that's because i have never lost weight on purpose. i have never been UNable to zip a dress in my closet. i have never chosen clothes that cover me up instead of show me off. i'm like jasmin over here ~ a whole new world. except i don't have her figure.

so the fact that i feel powerless to lose 10 lbs greatly affects my will to work out, and having an ulterior motive is a wonderful thing for me, especially if it has anything to do with creativity! the idea that 30 minutes of cardio could loosen up my creative juices and make me practice more, is exactly what this girl needed to hear.

also, on a much more shallow note, the gym is my only chance for TV.

so i'm off to continue this strange journey of attempting weight loss. i feel like i have blinders on and am feeling my way around, with not one ounce of hope or faith that i could actually reach my goal.

but this, in itself, is the most important lesson.

having no hope or faith in something you know to be true should not stop you from believing in it. take the emotion out, take the questions out, and add in the facts and just do it. whatever it is.

for instance ~

1. if i practice, will i get better?

excuse me? will you get better if you don't practice?

no, but what if i work and work and still fail as a singer?

then you will have gained a beautiful work ethic and have given yourself the gift of music every day. and you will be a better singer than when you started. no doubt.

2. if i work out, will i lose weight?

if you don't work out, will you lose weight?

no, but what if i work out every day and still hate my body?

let's see. your mood will be lifted from working out, your energy will be higher, your skin will look brighter and you will have reached a goal of sticking with working out and you will feel successful. who cares about your body when you're happy, energetic, bright and successful? those are much hotter attributes. just ask any guy.

okay, nuff said. i convinced myself. off to the gym.