...and so many things i'm sick OF! sick of being sick and puny and boring. sick of lung congestion. sick of missing lessons and teaching really bad ones. sick of my apartment. sick of my out-of-shape body and bushy eyebrows that need waxing. sick of being a boring girlfriend. but sick mostly of just not being able to grasp onto life and really sink my teeth into it! i feel like i'm always balancing on the fence, afraid to jump off and really enjoy one side or the other.
i love that i'm a person who practically worships balance, but sometimes i become imbalanced by trying to be so balanced! i have complained about this before. for an artist, i sho is aware of the time. and how much money i have in the bank, and what million other chores i can choose instead of practicing or being innovative with my talent. (even while blogging, i'm thinking about all those dishes in the sink. who cares!)
i have to let go and just be. is that even possible for me?
there are some things about me as a person that i have been trying to change for so long, to no avail. when i get sick, i get even more frustrated and remorseful about them because i realize how much i have taken those things for granted. the main problem i have with myself is that i have a really hard time diving into my "work". i have a hard time taking myself seriously. there's always this thought that this is not a real job and i'm wasting my time. i have a hard time practicing every day and just going for the gold. really pushing myself and not worrying about the laundry and the cleaning and making a pot of soup and working out. there's time for all of that AND practicing, with my amazing schedule. i really want to set aside time to practice every day. i need that and i deserve to be the best singer i can possibly be.
i'm sickened by the way i treat my gift. i schlepp pieces together and perform them with the bare minimum amount of work on them. i feel like if i had a house, i could practice all the time and not worry about bothering anybody. but i can tell that no one is home in my entire apartment building. i wouldn't be disturbing anyone if i practiced now. if i had a voice today, that is. right now i have nothing, which makes me feel so guilty for all the times i COULD have been practicing when i had a perfectly good instrument. and now i'm sitting around, wishing i was more prepared for these concerts i have coming up.
even though i'm getting all kinds of great singing opportunities, i feel like there's more out there for me. and if i "build it, they will come". i need to build my voice, my discipline, my ability, my positivity toward my voice. i need to believe in my voice and i think more will come.
1 comment:
Take this moment when you are physically unable to sing and soak up this longing you have right now to make a sound, and when you are well enough remember how much of an necessity it is for you to sing at this moment and then get busy casting off the fears and obligation and find the source of your voice again. Do it for joy. Do it because you can't stand to be silent.
"Therefore, my dear friend, I know of no other advice than this: Go within and scale the depth of your being from which your very life springs forth. At its source you will find the answer to the question, whether you must write [sing]. Accept it, however it sounds to you, without analyzing. [without analyzing!!!] Perhaps it will become apparent to you that you are indeed called to be a writer [singer]. Then accept that fate, bear its burden, and its grandeur, without asking for the reward, which might possibly come from without."
And I add to that: Live life fully alive in each moment. Less analyzing and more of just soaking up every moment for what it is. Of course you will still think and analyze things- that's what we do, but our thoughts and demands and expectations shouldn't rob us of being fully alive and present in every moment of every day. Get rid of things that distract you and do the best you can to live as freely as possible. Run light! Cast off care as much as possible, grab hold of the true freedom that has already been given to us--- "the glory of God is man fully alive."
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