i am so upset. why is money ruling my life? i spend so much time plotting and saving and spending and budgeting and worrying and wishing and hoping. and at the end of that 1960's song, i always end up with the same amount of money ~ $0. i must be terrible with money. i mean, i feel like a frugal, savvy person with a good head on her shoulders. i have a gorgeous budget planned out that looks great on paper. i have a pretty good sense of balance too. i buy a few new items every season to get me by, and then i wear the same black pieces for years, even when they don't really fit anymore. i wear the same 3 or 4 pairs of shoes all the time. i have downsized all i can downsize. i'm teaching all the students i can stand. i'm gigging my butt off, although, i have an idea for another steady gig, and one that might be slightly lucrative. we'll see. but i feel like i could gig and teach till the cows come home, and until i have a steady income with benefits, i'm going to get nowhere. i definitely see that in my future, which is exciting. i think i won't always be in this predicament and i need to try and relax and just pay my bills and keep living the way i'm living, gradually spending less and less.

i'm so thankful for my target credit card. when i moved in august, i really needed it. i would not have survived if hadn't been able to use that credit card. but now i have this outstanding balance that will not go away. oh my gosh, it's a festering pimple that seems to just get bigger and bigger. it makes me so mad, i want to scream. it's going in my lockbox at home and not coming back out until i'm in dire straits again. which will be NEVER AGAIN!!!!

this is embarrassing, venting bout something that does not matter. money isn't real. it's not worth anything. when i hear my little niece's giggle or see my sister's pregnant belly or see my parents sitting out there in the audience when i'm singing, when i have a breakthrough with a student, or make a meal for my boyfriend and he tells me "i never knew it could be like this", when i hear poulenc or see the sunset, i know money isn't real. it's just a real pain in the ass.