cloudy

hello ladies,
since i've started this blog, i have shared many passages i've read, many realizations i've had, and those rare "a ha" moments of peace and joy that shine through the clouds every once in a while. but i don't think i've ever written anything while i'm in complete darkness. i'm wondering if anyone out there is feeling it as well and would like to know that someone else in the world is STRRRRUGGGGLING?
what an awful word. i'd like to never say it, or feel it again. so i was just journaling and thought i'd expose myself to you, because every day is not going to be a good day, no matter how many prayers you read or self-help books you pick up.

here it is...
even though i'm about to jump out of my skin today, it's not half as bad as the angst i was feeling yesterday. and i know why i'm wacky today ~ i'm bored and lonely. have stuff to do but don't feel like doing it. then i kick myself for not getting stuff done. it's just stupid emotions. even though i get out of whack when i'm too busy, i think i'd rather be busy right now than to have long days off like this one and yesterday. i start to worry about my finances, my future, my weight, you name it. and by this time of the day, i'm almost frozen with worry. it's from not having anything at all to do, when i was so busy just a few days ago. never easy, but really not when you're dealing with emotional stuff.
i have lots coming up, so i know these two days are the only days for a long while that i will deal with this. which is good. i'm afraid to say this outloud, but i've made a decision to get up in the morning tomorrow and start a new life. a new life of every single day choosing the right priorities. the healthy choices. i'm crying as i write this because i hate those empty promises. i want this so badly and don't know how to be the person i want to be. i keep praying for God to help and that's all i can do. but every day i choose differently. i feel stuck.
i know i have to give myself a chance. this year is supposed to be hard. but with each passing day that i struggle, i hate eric that much more. i'm so happy that he let me go and my heart let him go. but i hate him for leaving me so confused. i know i will emerge from this year the person i want to be. i have to! i leave myself no other choice.

does anyone relate to any of these feelings? do i sound like i'm having a pity party? cause i think it sounds like i'm whining and thinking too much and not just doing it. just do it. just do it!
there's no convenient way or trick. just do it.....make the choice to do it and the feeling good part will come later, right?