i am in absolute agony. my left ear has been ringing for a solid week now, driving me to insanity and making me worry to the point of irritability. i have yelled at my fiance, thrown things across the room, left my apartment in squalor all week, and have prayed for deafness, as long as the ringing would stop.

of course, i don't mean that. i mean, i don't think i mean that. the noise is excruciating ~ like a little mouse delivering a message in morse code. the message? "help, i'm a mouse and i'm trapped in a crazy singer's ear. let me out. she sings these freakishly high notes all the time and wonders why her ears have started ringing. is she stupid?"

anyway, trying to find humor in this situation is pointless. and now, today, after all the snow days and missed lessons and financial worries, i have to cancel yet another day of teaching. more money lost. more makeups to be squeezed into an already-packed schedule. i can't handle any of this anymore. i love my life, but i'm going to die at 40 if i can't take control of things soon.

seeing an ENT today, thank the Lord above. please, if you pray, pray for me! pray that this is an ear infection or a pinched nerve or i don't know. just NOT tinnitus. please. i cannot hear this sound for the rest of my life. i know others survive and get along with it, but i don't want to be one of them.

my mother sent me this passage from a devotional she reads every morning:

"Give yourself fully to the adventure of today. Walk boldly along the path of life, relying on your ever present Companion. You have every reason to be confident, because My Presence accompanies you all the days of your life-- and onward into eternity.. Do not give into fear or worry; those robbers of abundant living.. Trust me enough to face problems as they come, rather than trying to anticipate them. Fix your eyes on Me, the Author and Perfector of your faith, and many difficulties on the road ahead will vanish before you reach them. Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am holding you by your right hand. Nothing can separate you from My Presence."

thanks mom. brilliant writing and beautiful reminder. and if this whole thing is happening to get me on my knees a little more every day, then i'm in.