so yesterday, i felt like i was spiraling out of control. i was nervous, depressed, dreading (my least favorite emotion) and feeling completely lost. why? i still feel a weight on me this morning, but i was determined to do things right this morning, to avoid the serious panic that had set in by lunchtime yesterday.
the first issue is the fact that i go straight to e-mail in the morning. with coffee in hand, and it is delicious coffee, i try to chip away at the requests, "please respond right now" e-mails, scheduling issues and fiascos, and the students and parents who need constant attention. i must say, my heart starts racing, and i really start to get freaked out by my schedule during this time. it is much easier to just do all these things than to sit down with the schedule and try to fit them all in. don't look at the mountain, just drive around it.
so that's why i am blogging this morning, and hopefully every other morning. i have found myself at the computer again, out of habit, out of necessity, and i started checking the emails and, with each e-mail, i am reminded of the nagging to-do list, and the to-do's i need to add to it. ABORT MISSION. DO NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN THIS AGAIN. i get up early so that i can clear my mind, start my day on a positive note, work out, drink my coffee, enjoy my quiet apartment, and yes, get some things done. but when the scheduling and replying to e-mails takes up the whole morning and leaves me utterly overwhelmed, it must go away.
yesterday, i dreaded and fretted and worried about a rehearsal all day long. if i could have torn my hair out, i would have. my hair is the only strong thing about me. what's the line in "little women"? "jo, your one beauty!" my one strength, or so i feel some days. imagine my dismay when i have a bad hair day. nothing to live for!!!! anyway, i digress. i worried about that rehearsal all day long and when i got there, it was so much fun. it was the highlight of my day. i was ill-prepared and the piece was so hard ~ i didn't even know where to start looking at it. but when i got there, i was on. i sang it really well, for almost sightreading it, i have to admit. i wasted an entire day, fretting, worrying, being overcome with anxiety about it.
all of this stupidity brings me back to my 40 day mandala. here are my no's AGAIN:
NO ~ to fretting and worrying about rehearsals. most of the time, i show up and have a blast.
NO ~ to allowing the "to-do" list overwhelm me.
NO ~ to even making a to-do list. i've noticed sam doesn't ever freak out about the state of his bedroom floor, or getting to the post office to mail christmas presents to his family. he is not stressed out at all that they are still in my back seat. i'm the one who feels like a failure every time i drive by the post office and don't go in to mail them. why is it even on my to-do list?
NO ~ to letting the wedding give me any anxiety whatsoever. i am solidifying details of the wedding in january, so that i can be cool in april.
NO ~ to spending the entire morning ( my only time off ~ it's like my evening) in front of the computer, trying to organize and direct traffic. JUST COME TO YOUR LESSONS, PEOPLE!
NO ~ to more than one cup of coffee. i think any more than that just makes me weird.
NO ~ to any more gigs for the rest of the semester. i've reached my limit. seriously.
NO ~ to a dirty kitchen. i'm amazed at how much more calm i am when my kitchen is tidy. one of my mom's virtues she tried to bestow on my sister and me, was to make your bed in the morning. then everything will be a little clearer all day. i think it's clean your kitchen. but i get what she's saying.
NO ~ to putting off work. my work is so much fun. there's nothing about it that i should dread. this morning, i need to prepare for the french diction class i have begun teaching. i'm nervous to even open the book and make the lesson plans. it's not hard ~ i just have to do it. i guess maybe it's a little hard, since i've never taught a class before. i guess the unknown and fear of failing is in there. there is the fear that i need more time this morning than i have, to prepare today's lesson. surely not. surely it'll just take 30 minutes or at the most, an hour. but this is why i procrastinate. it's like i make my fear of not having enough time to prepare a reality. SICK.
but this blogging is helping me work out the kinks in my system. so YES ~ to blogging.
1 comment:
YES!!!!
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