every morning, after my snooze button exercises (5 or 6 reps ~ good for the arm), i stumble out of bed and into my kitchen. as i go through the routine of coffee making, my brain is a blank slate, apart from the usual "checklist" ~ am i late? no. whew. does my stomach hurt? not this morning, but my feet hurt. hmmm. headache too. need water.
but other than the basics, my brain is back in default mode and the night has helped me reset. by the time the coffee is made, i have pulled up my e-mail and have started to panic. i WILL NOT panic today, though. yes, there are little nagging tasks that need to be remembered, and pulling up my e-mail only reminds me, or presents new ones to me. why do i even check my e-mail this early and destroy that beautiful clean slate? because i know i only have until early afternoon to accomplish it all, and then i teach until i drop. so this is my time to be productive. but i just wish i could hold off for a few hours, and read something wonderful and inspiring, workout, take a yoga class, or a ballet class would be even better! or just have coffee with a friend. i miss that.
in summary: i'd love to have more free time. and i know everyone says that, and i also know that i actually do have more free time than the average person. but it doesn't feel like free time. it feels like panic time.
last night, i had a night off. a rehearsal was canceled and a student canceled her lesson. i came home, walked in the beautiful weather, read a little on my neglected couch, and took a little snooze. then i got up and made an easy dinner ~ salad and frittata with leftover pasta. i worked on a little music and put a movie in. this is what i miss. the evenings where you can detox from the crazy days. i could actually handle the crazy days if i had just a few evenings a week like last night. i KNOW that i am able, this morning, to choose no stress because of last night. even though tasks pop into my head that need to be done, i am able to bat them away and put myself first for a few minutes, by blogging, which is very therapeutic.
listen, i have everything i need to be free, happy and content. i just have been misusing my time.
anyone else out there doing this?