I'm alive!!!! The swine flu did NOT take my life. I'm exhausted from all the makeups and music learning that is being crammed into every moment this week, since I missed the better part of two weeks. But I am so happy that I am well enough to actually do these things. Thank you, God!

Juries are Saturday at William Jewell, my high school students all have auditions and they all rely on me for support and advice. I also have a huge performance next Tuesday, for which the rigorous rehearsals will start tomorrow!!! Aagh!! Tomorrow? Oh my gosh, that just hit me. Anyway, I am so thankful to be out of bed and have some kind of vocal ability, even if it still sounds a little sexier and huskier than my normal whiny, high speaking voice!!!

In my last blog, I admitted my angst over not taking my "art" seriously. How many years have I been a musician (the answer is 31!!), and how many of those years have I had a dysfunctional relationship with it? Telling myself that it isn't a real life or a real job, or whatever. I don't blame anyone, per se. I just know where that attitude came from and it's simply not an option for me. The bottom line is: I couldn't hide from singing if I tried. Sure, there could be a job with benefits in my future. But for now, what I am doing is pretty great, and I am sinking into it and really loving it whole-heartedly.

And then my lovely friend Linz commented in a way only a true friend can, really empathizing and just getting it. And then summed it all up in words that only Rilke could write. If you haven't read "Letters to a Young Poet", you must immediately go out and get this little artist's Bible.

"Therefore, my dear friend, I know of no other advice than this: Go within and scale the depth of your being from which your very life springs forth. At its source you will find the answer to the question, whether you must write [sing]. Accept it, however it sounds to you, without analyzing. [without analyzing!!!] Perhaps it will become apparent to you that you are indeed called to be a writer [singer]. Then accept that fate, bear its burden, and its grandeur, without asking for the reward, which might possibly come from without."

And then, she wrote:

And I add to that: Live life fully alive in each moment. Less analyzing and more of just soaking up every moment for what it is. Of course you will still think and analyze things- that's what we do, but our thoughts and demands and expectations shouldn't rob us of being fully alive and present in every moment of every day. Get rid of things that distract you and do the best you can to live as freely as possible. Run light! Cast off care as much as possible, grab hold of the true freedom that has already been given to us--- "the glory of God is man fully alive."

Spot on, and so eloquently put! Without analyzing! Without asking for the reward! I don't even want to write anything after reading such inspiring prose. Rilke makes me feel like being an artist is such a noble profession, when I usually feel like the crazy spinster in Apartment 214, with the weird vocalizing sounds coming from her apartment. I wouldn't feel that way, of course, if I was living in a tiny flat in Paris, with a view of the Eiffel Tower. Ha! But come on, people, I live in the land of McMansions and Coach purses! I feel like the stepsister hidden in the attic. Everyone has money and blond highlights and shares in Starbucks. I am definitely odd here. But haven't I been odd everywhere? :)

Anyway, just reading those quotes replenishes my sense of purpose. My purpose in life is not to answer all my e-mails on time, nor is it to necessarily have tons of money. I'd love that house, but not right now. I'm right here in this little space, that looks like a practice room with a kitchen, for a reason!!!

Speaking of which, time to practice! Sorry neighbors!