here we go again

okay, so once again i find myself depressed.  argh!  will this ever end?  i thought i would grow out of this some day.  i hate feeling this way.  it's worse than being sick, but to top it all off, i'm sick too!  i'm, in general, a very happy person.  so when life delivers this sick, twisted bag of emotions that i truly cannot handle, i feel like my real personality has been eaten by another one in a much uglier outfit.

so here's the deal.  i tried to break into a church to pray today.  desperate to find Jesus in the middle of my pain.  i think he's lost my e-mail address or something.  i wonder if i've disappointed him?  anyway, all church doors are locked.  did you know that?  no one can meander in a say a few hail mary's on their lunch hour, because i guess they might steal the Bibles or the hymnals that are no longer there because everything is displayed up on a huge jumbo-tron with a peaceful waterfall wallpaper behind it.  i was sad because i really did feel like i could have found a moment of solitude in there.  

well, i have to say that i am OVER feeling like this.  i mean, not just over it with this particular disappointment.  over feeling like this for the REST OF MY LIFE.  i'm angry that i even ever have to feel this blue.  and it's not unconditional.  some things in my life are not going the way i want them to.  i've had the same love/hate relationship with relationships since i was 14 years old, and i'm fresh out of ideas on how to deal with the only real thorn i've ever had in my side in my whole entire life.  singing some of the hardest music ever written?  no problem!  i even sightread a whole opera from the pit.  whatever.  have my own voice studio?  30 students, like that.  cooking, baking, sewing, speaking languages, living in foreign countries.  i've done it all with very little anxiety.  i'm not bragging.  i'm confused.  why is all of this so easy for me, and the simple act of two people coming together, loving each other, and staying together forever?  something we all seem to be entitled to deserve if we want it?  total failure.

but i digress.  i don't even care what the answer is.  i just want to learn how to deal with the thorn still stuck firmly into my side and not feel like i'm going to bleed to death.  

so here's my plan this time:

it's so obvious.  you'll say, "duh, sarah, everyone knows to do that." 

i'm going to fill my every waking moment with plans.  no sitting around.  sure, i'm tired.  this depression is weighing on me like a 9-month pregnancy.  but no matter how horrible i feel, i'm going to get up and out of bed every morning, go to the gym, plan a schedule of work, play, busy, busy, until i drop into the bed at night and can barely even stay awake enough to reflect.  no more reflecting.  i'm tired of feeling like this.  i'm missing out on my life.  each day that i feel this way is another day wasted.  

so there it is.  since i've written it, especially where other people can see it, i have to do it now.